Killer Tsunami Man, small and vulnerable indeed. We are at the mercy of the forces of nature. I was in Malaysia when the Tsunami occured. In fact, in the morning at about 10am, I was at the beach in a small town called Mersing. Desaru beach to be exact. Just the night before, I was watching the movie "Blue Crush" and was probably half-dreaming about surfing on blue glassy waves. That morning, I was staring at shallow choppy waves washing up the vast bay at great speed. Salty, humid air was blowing strongly. At that moment, I recalled the time when I was at East Coast Park. The moon was at its nearest to the earth. It looked way bigger than its normal size of a fifty-cent coin. It was more like a hoola hoop. That day, the waves were huge. The waves crashed on the shore and washed right up to the bicycle path. All the bbq pits and benches were drenched and washed and swept. My friends and I were so excited about this that we started to play around in the waters. We were all laughing and playing when we saw our slippers floating away with the waves. Ironically, the same morning brought the awakening of the horrors of horrors. Yesterday, the death toll reported on the news was 22,000. Today, numbers more than doubled to 55,000. It's climbing fast fast fast. Who would expect oneself who's healthy and wealthy enough to enjoy a holiday by the beach to meet the end of their journey in life there and then? None. None of them. Life is unpredictable. Somehow, man never remembers that. We plan so hard to have a good life, graduate with a good degree, find a good job, build a warm family, eat a good healthy diet, make our retirement plans... and we forget that we are not in control of everything. Who controls the forces of nature? Who determines the end of your life? Do you control your own with a good diet, a healthy lifestyle, doing your best and by living in a natural-disaster-safe place? NO. We are at the forces of nature. Killer Tsunami tells you. But, we know who is in charge of the killer Tsunami. God. God is the very One who is in charge of everything. Every time. Every place. And I thank God that I know God. I'd tell my parents that if I'd found the courage to be less squirmish about my conviction in God and in Christ at home. Sometimes, I really cannot stand my lack of courage and my passiveness when I've had a chance to confront misaligned and misconceptions about God at home. If I had dared, I would have told them that God is the One who determines the time and place of our birth and what we would do and our whole lives. I would have told them if my time is up, I'd thank God coz I know that I have finished what He has set out for me to do. I know I can leave everything behind because I have finished my work. My responsiblities are done. There's nothing to fear and no undone businesses to leave behind. Man refuse to have his life end because he may think that this life is all there is. Many, though they don't admit it, fear death or refuse to have it come because there are many things in life which they haven't fulfilled or haven't completed. There are so many things to be done. When will it ever be finished? But if you know that the eternal God holds all these in His hands, you know that when He calls you home, He has all the rest in His Mighty, Loving hand too. I antagonize what many would think. But it is true. God is real. I pray that my courage to tell the world that God is real doesn't stop at blogging. May it be an outflow of my conviction. I would have written way more because I know some of you may ask why God is so cruel as to send the Tsunami and 911 and all the disasters in life. But I shall stop here for now. This is a long read and what I previously wanted to blog about seemed so trivial compared to the wake-up call to the truth that God is the One who rules over all.

A note from JT to JT causeway axn n 4D, roti prata man's stunt, the kampong spirit and e kampong area, the kampong cat and bird, blue crush, Pillow n Blanket overdose, free water (oldwater, seawater, newater) PS: It'll all make sense in due time :) ... When I finally get down to blogging :p

The typical tortoise crawling over the volcano-- Always trying to hide from the problem which eventually will blow.

I got my C.S. Lewis Mere Christianity book!!! :D :D :D

Wish list as of today

1) A bag big enough to go camping for 3D2N. (but not too big)

2)Two in one English/Chinese Bible.

3) loop ear-rings that big enough so that wearing it doesn't require ear lobe & finger gynastics and small enough so that it doesn't create any hair entaglement hassle.

4) a new swim suit

5) new sandals (cant run properly in slippers... esp when i'm late)

6) glittery pen (colourless one. but got glitter... saw the aqua colourless pen... really colourless, transparent shiny ink! But I want it to glitter leh haha)



7) meiji chocolate coated gummy sweet (those in a tube) (ate too much during exam period)
8) water bottle (cracked my water bottle cap... so sorry mel, it's a bad accident...) (Thanks Ronica for my new tupperware bottle! :D )
9) mechanical pencil (lost 2 of my fav pencils! sigh.) (bought replacements)
10) watch (my watches...spoilt n missing) (found the missing but need to change strap) (Mum bought me a cute ladybug watch thingie and hp will suffice)
11) alarm clock (mine spoilt :( ) (found an old clock which sort of started working a little)
12) Mere Christianity (I got it as a present! Thanks ZL!)

Three-in-One Stars Velvet black sky studded with glittering diamonds. Beautiful. I seldom noticed the sky in Singapore. But it is really pretty. Those stars are gaspingly beautiful and grand. They hang in space and decorate the sky in scatters and sprays. Big ones and small ones, bright ones and red ones. Of coz, there're the shooting ones. I was star gazing with my sisters till my neck ached. No shooting stars appeared leh. But, the moment I turned my head (yeah, I'm a little impatient) exclamations from my 2 sisters immediately revealed that Murphy's law was at work. The shooting stars had to appear when I turn my head away. Ah well, I'll see them some day. But the stars are simply beautiful, if you will only take time to appreciate the handiwork of God. Apple Sensation Gelato (from Genki sushi) Supposedly a French dessert with a milk (white) chocolate covering encasing real apple gelato with a chocolate core soaked in non alcoholic liquer, this expensive ($5.90) apple tastes a little queer at first. I first saw it in the dessert fridge at Genki and it's really pretty. Complete with handpainted shades of apple-red and a fake apple leaf and leaf stalk, the milk choco outer covering really looked like a real fuji apple. With a hard jab, the milk choco 'apple' skin cracked to show its pastel green gelato within. I really have no idea what gelato is, but the pastel green stuff was really just ice-cream. And I mean ice-cream made from real apple pulp with a uniquely queer taste. My friend thought the ice-cream smelt like... toilet air freshener. I guess fine french desserts like this have to be enjoyed slowly and mulled over. So, we decided to try and get our $5.90 worth of satisfaction from this dessert. First, we tried the milk choco skin. Not too bad. Normal milk chocolate but beatifully handpainted. The gelato started tasting more like apple when we savoured dainty spoonfuls of ice-cream... in face, it's quite light and it's not too sweet. It's just right and I think it's really made from real apple pulp. The apple core tasted bitter at first, but if you take time to taste and enjoy it, you will find that hint of alcohol in the chocolate. What a fine dessert indeed! It's worth the money I guess. All the effort the chef/ dessert maker has put in is definitely admirable. However, I think... I'd rather stick to safer choices like brownies and mud pies :) Friends For a moment, I was thinking about how busy we all get as we grow older, and how little time we have for our friends. For one, I don't think I have made time for my friends and I wasn't there for them. That's very sad eh? And I think it's so much harder to make closer new friends as we grow older coz we tend to close up a little and get jaded more more... In primary school, we sing: "Make new friends and keep the old, One is silver and the other is gold." It's not as easy as I used to thin it is. Friends are precious and I wish I could spend more time with them...

To the Edge Part I

Why I enjoy being camp emcee

1) I get to flout all the camp rules. I don't have to sleep during lights out and I can enter all the rooms as and when I like and I can talk to anybody anytime. (Read: I have to stay up late and run all over the place looking for people.)

2) I don't have to play funny games and follow strange instructions. I watch them. (Read: I have headache with crowd control during funny games.)

3) I get people's full attention when I'm talking. (Read: I'm stressed with everybody staring at me.)

4) I don't have to make extra effort to take care of group members. (Read: I don't exactly get to know any new group members. Except those in the committee perhaps.)

5) I don't have to sit through all the sessions and follow them strictly. (Read: I don't exactly learn much from sessions when running in and out.)

Generally, I don't mind emceeing around... and there's always the pros and the cons. Over the past three days, the stress and the last minute-ness was pushing me to the edge. (pun, pun, the name of the camp was D'edge. haha)



To the edge part II

The things that people do to get extra water bombs:

1) Beg on their knees

2) Call you beautiful

3) Do all that you say and offer to do more.


Things the emcee does when people will do anything to get water bombs:

1) Feel like giving everyone water bombs (Imagine have a whole loadful of guys and girls kneeling at your feet and begging and calling you beautiful. Even if it's a lie, I melted. hahaha)

2) Pretend not to be moved and demand more.

3) End up with a headache coz everybody seems to deserve the water bombs and don't know who to give them to.

4) Just try to get rid of the water bombs anyway and hope that I won't be stoned for being seemingly unfair.


It was stressfully fun and I've really made a lot of new friends with... the committee members and the log team. But but... lousy as I am, I can't remember their names :x sheesh. Just wished I learnt more from all those good camp sessions...

liquify experimentae with photoshopilus:
A little playing around with photoshop



The first original image I've ever posted! Tada!

Newer Updated wish list

1) C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity

2) loop ear-rings that big enough so that wearing it doesn't require ear lobe & finger gynastics and small enough so that it doesn't create any hair entaglement hassle.

3) a new swim suit

4) meiji chocolate coated gummy sweet (those in a tube) (ate too much during exam period)

5) glittery pen (colourless one. but got glitter... saw the aqua colourless pen... really colourless, transparent shiny ink! But I want it to glitter leh haha)

6) new sandals (cant run properly in slippers... esp when i'm late)

7) water bottle (cracked my water bottle cap... so sorry mel, it's a bad accident...)

8) mechanical pencil (lost 2 of my fav pencils! sigh.) (bought replacements)

9) A bag big enough to go camping for 3D2N. (but not too big)

10)Two in one English/Chinese Bible.

11) watch (my watches...spoilt n missing) (found the missing but need to change strap)

12) alarm clock (mine spoilt :( ) (found an old clock which sort of started working a little)

Out of the bottle

Some people believe that I'm the kind of person who bottles things up. Hmmm. yes and no. Anyway, recently, some stuff has been shaking my can of thoughts too much. And when you shake a can of soft drink too hard.... it buRsTs and OVerFLOwsssss.....

What the. I was so looking forwards to the holidays. Theoretically speaking, here I'm am, in the midst of the holidays. But excuse me, what holidays?

According to http://dictionary.reference.com/,
Holiday is defined as a day free from work that one may spend at leisure, especially a day on which custom or the law dictates a halting of general business activity to commemorate or celebrate a particular event.

So let's see, theoretically, I've halted all the school activities, am over the exam blues and have jumped into a time of fun-filled enjoyment and relaxation. A period where I may spend at leisure. So am I? I don't think so. I've plunged myself into a sea of frustration, with my days filled to the brim. I'm not even seeing my friends and family. Much less see them enough.

No, I'm not stuck somewhere in an office. I'm a traveller. Moving from place to place, meeting all sorts of people. The thing is, I'm not doing them at will. I could though. And I might have enjoyed it if it was at will. But. But. But. Things get so urgently overwhelmingly floodful that the urgency of the matter drowns out all enjoyment. The "I must do this" is pushing me to do and do and do. Unwillingly at that. I'd have enjoyed it and put more effort and have done it more willingly, if things were SoOOOooo pushy.

So, I start thinking about next year and whether I sitll want to try to get my act together to enjoy what I'm doing. But but but. I don't like to be pushed. Some pushing is good. But not like this. It's a little suffocating. And I get frustrated with myself for not coping. But but but. I still have to do it. Grudgingly. Everyone knows things are not supposed to work this way. Not so grudgingly and unwillingly. For there's a way! Oh yes there is. But still. I don't take stress that well eh?

All or nothing? Some say that I'm a perfectionist. Sometimes I go all out to do something. But but but, if I cannot manage to do something to perfection, I'd start thinking I've lost it all. And start doing nothing. Inkling of truth there. Maybe that's why I'm frustratedly stressing myself out.

Bubble bubble fizzle Fizz Fizzssssss....

Emotion of the moment = :(

Mum bought me a new pair of earrings but I lost another pair down the washing machine into the pipes and away through the drain :(

Rainy days and umbrellas

I was walking home from the MRT station as usual and It was drizzling. So, I flicked my umbrella out and happily made my way home. While waiting for the green man to appear at the pedestrain crossing, I saw an umbrella-less lady walking towards me with her hands full of shopping bags. She stopped about one metre away from me. Raindrops falling falling falling... and I was thinking very very very hard if I should go over and give her some shelter. It was a struggle. It seemed weird to just walk over. I'd rather have her pop under my umbrella. I wouldn't mind at all. (Well, there's once when a girl just came over and asked me if she could share my umbrella. No prob! You're welcome to do that!)

As I stood there, I can't help but remember how other aunties and uncles have given me some space under their puny umbrellas in the midst of storms. In those sec sch and JC days, our huge bags and giant stacks of notes barely left any space for umbrellas. I don't know how I did it, but I didnt mind getting drenched to the skin during my sec sch and JC days (as long as my bag is waterproof and nothing inside gets wet). But, as I walked home from the same MRT station, some kind aunties would offer to shelter me home. That happened twice already.

On one of the occasions, it was only drizzling and I was just plain lazy to take my umbrella out. A motherly lady came over and decided to shelter me home. I felt so embarrassed that I didn't dare to say anything about that umbrella which was hidden away in my bag.

On another occassion, I was at the same pedestrain crossing... standing in the rain and waiting for the green man to appear. An uncle came along with only newspapers as he shelter. When he saw me, he gave me half his stack of newspapers and told me to cover my head so that I won't get sick.

Yet another occasion was when I was right here at the same spot feeling the pitter patter on my head when a Malay lady shared her umbrella with me. That's really nice of these people. And they are complete strangers you know...

As I stood there watching the lady stare impatiently at the traffic lights, I was really in a dilemma. I am not exactly the most gungho and courageous person when it comes to talking to strangers. So I just stood there... till the green man appeared. She hurried across the road and rushed ahead. As for me, I trailed behind till she disappeared behind some HDB blocks, lost in thoughts about the three rainy day kindred spirits and the lady in the rain.

Updated wish list

1) loop ear-rings that big enough so that wearing it doesn't require ear lobe & finger gynastics and small enough so that it doesn't create any hair entaglement hassle.

2) a new swim suit

3) meiji chocolate coated gummy sweet (those in a tube) (ate too much during exam period)

4) glittery pen (colourless one. but got glitter... saw the aqua colourless pen... really colourless, transparent shiny ink! But I want it to glitter leh haha)

5) new sandals (cant run properly in slippers... esp when i'm late)

6) water bottle (cracked my water bottle cap... so sorry mel, it's a bad accident...)

7) mechanical pencil (lost 2 of my fav pencils! sigh.) (bought replacements)

8) A bag big enough to go camping for 3D2N. (but not too big)

10)Two in one English/Chinese Bible.

11) watch (my watches...spoilt n missing) (found the missing but need to change strap)

12) alarm clock (mine spoilt :( )

My plant and me I have an itchy hand and a curiosity for strange plants. The last time i went to botanic gardens, I secretly uprooted a pretty fern and brought it home. Hmmm... I really wanna know what's it's name and how I can make it grow better. It has a thread-thin, super strong and tough black stem and jade green leaves that looks a bit like a little paw. Let's call it the paw fern. Before I got this treasure, I brought some of those arial plants home from the Botanic gardens home. Apparently, they don't need to survive in soil and all they need is a cool misty environment. They have no roots and have small spiklets for its leaves. It looks like a cute mess of spikes. The closest description/ look-alike that I can think of would be those fluffy metallic looking decor you wind around your christmas tree.... Well, my arial plant died a long time ago. Dehydrated I guess. So sad. My paw fern is still growing at the moment. I like it's discreet and strong character. Erm, hope to find out how I can let this little thingie grow along with me!

I like grass I was feeling murderous to a certain type of flowers that's growing on the grass patches on my way home. They are such dainty and pretty little things that are good for plant presses and decorative materials for bookmark-making. If you ever bother to look at grass patches (muderously or not), you'd find those small yellow flowers that looks like fluff encased by a little green cup (or carpels/sepals whatever). There're also the pink fluffy flowers that'd turn all white and fluffy in its full bloom. (Those flowers that turn bald when a breeze blows... yeah, that's the one...) Those are the common breeds. And there you have the more unique ones (much harder to find) like the ultra-mini white version of a sunflower. There's also the micro wild orchid look-alike dressed in white petals and pinkish-yellow frocks. It looked so pretty amongst the small dark green raindrop-like leaves. The less novel greens include the ribbon grass (I don't know what it's called... but I've been calling it ribbon grass since young) that lookied like a slim 'Y' shape standing above the ground. There are also plenty of leafy grasses with pretty heart shaped leaves and intricate venation. I once drew a pic of the common everyday grass. But it's not that common when the crystal morning dew drops are shimmering at the tip of every grassy blade. So fresh and pretty. I like the grass. It's everywhere, it's green, it's common but it's strong. They just grow. No grass patch is boring. With time you'll find new kinds of pretty plants and flowers growing with it. Indeed, God clothes the grass of the field! As I was saying, I felt murderous towards those pretty little things coz they made good artsy handicraft material. But everytime I wanted to stretch my hand out to snap that thin stalk and eternalize that beauty in the form of a dehydrated plant press, I couldn't bear to do it. No dried flower is the same as that pretty vibrant little thing that clothes that unnoticeable grass patch. It's transcient beauty cannot be confined and fixed. And perhaps, the most beautiful thing is that this little flower in its full life cycles would soon bring a host of little angelic flowers the next season. My dream job no.1 is still to be an inspiring nature book writer cum illustrator. Verse of the day: If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? (Matthew 6:30)

Uncensored I cannot help it. I need to unleash. Highly frustrated with the way things are now. How can I ever sit in the exam hall and will myself to fail? How can I just drop my pen on the table, sit back and watch the time run? I'm dooming myself to fail. All or nothing. And I chose nothing. So, face it, it's my first ever D grade ever since I've stepped into uni. But it's not the first time I failed. But the big difference is that I never felt so away from God and so frustrated and so helplessly indignant in going on my knees to pray for a change in my heart. So 3 papers flew by and I probably flopped all 3 of them. I only have two responsibilities at hand: school and ministry. Home responsibilities are another thing altogether (Real or imagined responsibility? That's debatable.) I know I'm not handling school, and so I try to shift time off ministry for school. But ministry stuff sometimes being urgent with all the deadlines demand immediate action. So there I go, not juggling anything. I escape and ignore ministry with that great guilt in my heart which weighs down whatever I do. School? Non-productive work done with plenty of conscience nagging at me for giving ministry up. Where did my time go? Spent trying to escape from my guilt. Where? Games, TV, computer. Anything to distract myself. I think I'm a walking mess. My hair's a constant mess, room's a mess, notes in a mess... exams' a mess. LIfe's a mess (Fine, a mess from my point of view. A life that does not acknowledge God is always a mess). I know I'm a mess but I stubbornly refuse to snap out of it. So I step all over myself and made myself feel like a sore loser. An ugly, dark creature emerging. I've been morbidly thinking that life is a little too long for too many failures to happen. It'd be good to just get cancer. (All those cell proliferation, cancer and apoptosis exam questions spelt my doom.) After I get cancer, I'd forget about chemo and go for an operation to remove whatever tumour. Preferably, I'd just die in the operating theatre unconscious. Then I'll go meet God to face my judgement. I'll regret it. Thought of the day: If you can't even stand yourself, you are that bad. And God is that GOOD.

Sneak Preview of upcoming blogs

1) Kindred spirits on rainy days
2) Good pro-family advertisement idea (copyrighted by JT!)

When I read my own blog, I realise I'm a self-contradictory whiner. Gosh. Sheesh. Don't you ppl feel sian of all my whining? Shall not whine anymore.

Colours in the midst of exams

This is probably my most stressed and most relaxed exam period. As a distracted full-time library hermit from 8.30am to 10pm daily for the past week, I've been staring out of the window on and off. (Yeah, I don't deny I was distracted.) The things that you notice when you simply want anything to distract you can be pretty amazing.

There I was, in the library, and I noticed the clear blue sky with puffy cutsey clouds that fades into some sort of homogenous grey mess before the rain came. I even realised with amazement that not all rainy days are thunderous and lightningful. The longest delay between the lightning and thunder on that particular day was about five whole seconds. When the storm was over, out came the sun and there you have your silver lining. On other days, you have beautiful blends of orange, red and purple which gives way to velvet black and pretty lights in the nights.

Hey, even hot afternoons can be exciting too. As I stoned, I saw an eagle spiraling the NUS sky. Large wing span. Gliding and riding the winds. Sleek and swift. Against the burning sun, the eagle's shadow was cast on the roof of lower buildings.

I wouldn't have noticed all these if I weren't trying to find something I could do other than to study.

See, that's why I'm blogging this. I'm trying to delay having to start. okok. enough is enough. Back to photosynthesis...

(I wish I had a camera to capture all those pretty scenery outside the window....)

Certificates are meaningless. Why study? I'm not enjoying the process. I'm cramming. Who took the joy outta my studying? what happened man...

I'm gonna sound highly self-abusive and self-deprecating. It's only the result of exam blues. Don't worry about what you read. It's a passing phase. I'll be fine after my exams. Right now, I just need to throw up verbally.

I'm suffering from mid-uni crisis. Suddenly, this paper chase and memorizing and doing well for exams doesn't mean anything to me. I feel like quitting school. Studying is meaningless. Papers are meaningles. They are nothing in eternity. They don't count. I'm an escapist. But I aint gonna quit school coz I'm too lousy and too timid to do anything about it. No guts. And I know there are unforseen circumstances which I would not be able to take. I defiantly refuse to become a teacher. Why am I studying what I'm majoring in? I'm in the wrong faculty. I'm not gonna be a researcher. It's true that life becomes meaningless when there's nothing you look forward to. In sec sch, you look forward to JC. In JC, you aim for uni. In uni, you wanna half a good uni life and enjoy all the ccas and friends and freedom. But here I am, halfway through my uni life and it is meaningless. I have commitments elsewhere which I'm struggling with. I don't live the typical ideal uni paperchase-full-of-achievements life. Too much disappointment. Too much burdens and backload and guilt and bad experiences. A fouled up impression. I want to be free of commitment and do what I enjoy doing. But I want to escape from the process of trying to do something. And I'm too un-gutsy to do something about it. So I get stuck in a blackhole. I'm tired of life. I sound like an 80 year old granny. Meaningless meaningless. I force myself to fulfill my commitments. I neglect ongoing thigns at home dat should have been given priority. But it wasn't my fault izzit? they expect me to turn up when they blow the whistle. I'm feeling guilty for thinking like a selfish nut. I know I'm not thinking logically or theologically. Away from God too intensively recently. Do I even enjoy anything? I know I do.But now I can't think. I'm horrible. I can be a bitter n ugly thing.

-sigh of relief-
I'm done with unloading. I'll be okie. Pray for me?

Tag board's down, Decided to get a new look for my blog, and can't find how to put up the comments part of the blog... till i figure out, happy reading. :p

Quote of the day:
When I stop thinking that the world revolves around myself, I actually make sense.

My Friend on Paper cuts:

They're small. And irritating. And still painful. And don't seem very avoidable.

Passion I'm getting tired of being a nuah person. In my dictionary, nuah means a blend of indifference, passionlessness, passiveness and quitterishness. A nuah life is about having no commitment, no sense of responsibility, no motivation and no fighting spirit. One day blends into another and time really flies. But being nuah, it doesn't matter. But there is no satisfaction in this at all. It is meaningless. It is hollow. It is self-crumbling. No, I don't want to be nuah anymore! I want to be focused! I want to give all that I have to do my best shot! I want to stop hiding and sitting back and go for it! I have plenty of things waiting for me to do. I have a ministry to serve and I have roles to fulfill as a student! And I have God who is interested in my life! Oh God, help me to cast off all that hinders and run the race! Help me to number my days aright! Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that`you will not grow weary and lose heart. -- Hebrews 12:1-3 Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. -- Psalm 90

Announcement:
I'm starting to grow wiser. Wisdom tooth growing!!

Sigh Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. No passion. No fighting spirit. Nothing. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH.

Green Memories
Yellow leaves spiralling down from age-old trees
With the touch of every breeze
A dazzle of yellow and green
Serene

禄* 意盎然的回忆
枯黄的叶从千年大树上飘飘而下
微风一阵一阵地吹来
附近一片禄*意盎然
美丽的宁静

( somehow, I can't find the chinese word for green coz I can't type lu-- with two dots above the u. So, 禄* will be the replacement for the moment...)

Quote of the day:
The look on a student's face when he has finished his exam paper way before the time is up is either one of complete confidence or bored ignorance.

In view of my basic translation module... here's the chinese version (pardon my not so good cheena)

今天的引文：
一位提早作完考卷的学生， 脸上露出的不是自信就是无知。

or

今天的标语：
一位很早就作完考卷的学生，脸上所显露的不是一副完全自信的表情，就是一副即无聊又无奈的表情。

More translations coming up... (didn't know my own blog was so hard to translate...)

Quote of the day:
Sleep is good. Without it, it will be impossible to have dreams.

JT's Quote of the day2 :
Dreams are but burst bubbles in reality if they only remain as dreams.

So much in a child

I was playing with my little pri 1 cousin this afternoon... and he's a little terror of sorts. Here's his profile: Bad tempered, mischievous, stubborn, rough, messes up the place, wants all the little things, wants things his way... a little monster. (Don't get me wrong, I still love him. Read on.) He wanted me to play with him today but I wasn't in the mood. Of coz, being the insistent little one, I had little strength left from my overnight studying to resist him.

Actually, he's quite an active boy and all he wants is just some attention. ok, I'm fine with that. So, he did his usual terrorizing around my room, carrying my soft toys all over the place and took off all the notices on my white board. He dug for a marker ( I made sure it was non-Permanent!) and started drawing on the whiteboard. He started role-playing... as a maths teacher, an art teacher and a chinese teacher. I was his only student, listening and nodding in amusement (much to his delight). It was indeed amusing to hear him teach. In all his innocence, he mimicked his English teacher's british accent, his chinese teacher's style and portrayed his maths teacher's strictness.

We played some sort of doctor RPG too. He was the doctor. I was the obliging patient and nurse. He soon got bored of just curing patients and told me to start talking a lot and make a lot of noise. Well, I did.

Then he went, "shut up!"

"That's quite rude you know, doctors aren't supposed to do that," I said.

"But the dentist in my school also told the children to shut up. But not me, because I'm a good boy. But I was terrified," he said.

Poor thing. Dentists and doctors should mind their language. Kids pick things like theses up quickly. And they don't hestiate in the doing the same.

He got bored quickly and I had to occupy him with some sort of guess-the-number-saga-seeds-in-my-hand game (before he finds more things to destroy or desire around my room...). He very much wanted to win, changing answers here and there. But when he finally counted the saga seeds hidden in my palm, he didn't purposely miscount them to win the game. He's honest. We played some sort of flag eraser game (you know, the primary school kind of game-- flip the eraser till yours lands on top of your opponents). He was quite fair too, making sure we had erasers of similar size. There's this basic and simple sense of fairness and justice.

And kids like him have an eye for detail too. He noticed that surgeons wear masks. And their curiousity is limitless.

"Why must doctor wear mask?"
"Where does saga seed come from?"
"Is the saga seed tree big?"

Curious little imp he is. Yet, he's scared of the dark. He's scared of the monsters under the bed. Somehow I don't exactly believe in telling kids myths to scare them into being obedient. I think logical reasoning works better. Kids may be young and innocent, but they think too. It'd be quite hard burst their bubble and challenge their mythical reality later on in life when they get too old for the Tooth fairy or Santa Claus story. So, I've decided to spoil his monster world reality.

I told him firmly, " There are no monsters under my bed and there are no monsters in this world. The biggest monsters are you and I. When we get angry and start shouting at people, we become scary monsters. You know how scary people get when they are angry right? You know how scary you can get when you start getting angry right?"

"There are really no monsters?" he asked in all innocence.

"Yes there are no monsters. You are a little monster when you start throwing tantrums."

"Yes, I can shout so loudly until the windows break. I can shout until everybody in Hillington (did I get that right?) can hear."

"That's scary isn't it? You're like a little monster. Don't go around being a monster. It's scary."

"I don't always shout. I only shout when people ask me to do bad things."

"oh... what bad things?"

"Like if they ask me to murder people or if they ask me to bully younger kids, I shout at them."

"oh... don't shout at them. Tell them that they are wrong. When you shout, you start becoming a little monster again. You don't like to be shouted at right? So be nice to people even if they shout at you. Tell them properly. You like gentle people right? So you must be gentle to people too. Sometimes when you are gentle towards people, they still shout at you. And you still have to be gentle. It may take one, two, three, four, even five times before other people realise that you are actually being gentle to them."

"So I must be gentle to them even if they shout?"

"Yes, be nice and gentle. After a while, or a long while, they will realise that you are a gentle boy."

This little boy beamed with his toothless grin as he would when someone complemented him.

The issue of shouting at others aside, we came back to monsters.

"There are really no monsters? But monsters come out at night when you don't sleep. So children must sleep at night."

"No... But you still must sleep. Do you know why you must sleep?"

"Why?"

"Have you ever gotten a bad headache before? No right? That's because you sleep. If you don't sleep, you'll wake up with a headache. And you will look like a panda. Panda has dark eye rings like me. And you won't look good anymore."

"I don't like pandas. I will become cranky also."

"Yah, when you don't sleep, you'll become a canky monster with a headache. So must sleep at night ok?"

All ended with a game of tic-tac-toe. And he actually let me start first. He's not bad at tic-tac-toe at all.

He's still a little boy, and there's so much in this child.

Othering

Learnt about othering during my Lit module last sem. (Guess Lit was still the module that I enjoyed most most! Still wanna take Lit!) And I figured I other people. When people get othered, one forgets that the other is actually a rounded person with feelings, thoughts, depth and complexity. The other gets fitted into a category.

For me, I've quite a lot of categories. But strange enough, they fall into like... schools?
As the the AC/RJ kind or the Chinese speaking kind. AC people are identified by their CHeena. An extreme stereotype/othering would be... the AC ppl are the "yoyo" dudes and dudettes who shun chinese lessons and prefer not to utter chinese words because they can't sound chinese. And because they shun chinese, they start associating this negativeness with chinese speaking people. And chinese speaking people start to appear uncool/wierd.

At the other extreme, the chinese speaking people look upon the AC dudes and dudettes and remember their "yoyo" styles anti-Cheenasm... and henceforth classify them as ang moh speaking snobs who go around with fake accents and noses in the air.

Where would I be? As a hybrid (the cheena-fied AC), I think I other people both ways... I other the act cool posers and the cheenafied to the extreme people who other all sorts of AC (even hybrids like me). haha. Wierd eh?

But itz no good to other people. I shouldn't. Learning how to see people for who they really are. As in, not stereotyping them. Each person is no wierdo, we all have our own habits but we all have depth that the other knows not of. Pray that I'll learn to look deeper.

Finding my way around

Come to think of it, I'd be graduating in one and a half years (unless my results improve by leaps and leaps and bounds and bounds, thereby qualifying me for at least a certificate with 2nd upper honours). And before I know it, I'd be hit by the wave and thrown out into the workforce.

But I have no idea what I wanna do yet! I rebelliously refuse to consider teaching. It's gonna be an emotional drain and strain facing students (even relatively guai but slack students like myself haha). Plus the panel of interviewers of MOE would have bones to pick coz... ever since I made them wait 1/2 hr for my arrival for the previous interview... and didnt even turn up in the end.

What I'd like to do... would be something related to design? Not necessarily artsy artsy design (that only comes with inspiration. Under pressure, stresses and the facts of life... I think my rice bowl and my interest in visual artsy stuff will be at risk). After listening to my lecture, drug design sounds pretty fun. But ah... I need to way polish up my organic chemistry and biochemistry and bioinformatics... and every other module I'd have to take. What other stuff can I do upon graduation?

Dream Job no.1: Inspiring nature book writer and illustrator
Dream Job no. 2: Shop owner of a shop like Prints
Dream Job no. 3: Free-lance Photoshoper
Dream job no. 4: To open a mini restaurant specializing in desserts (chocolate! ice cream! Brownies! Pancakes!) and plenty of creative potato foods. (Cooking and making food looks deliciously pretty seems pretty fun. Have I been watching too many cooking shows?)

The Encounter

My encounter with the Word of God is always so highly engaging. In my downhills of my spiritual walk, I leave the Word far behind me. But when I finally pick it up, just simply picking it up with a small plea in my heart that His Word will speak to me, I'm amazed at how I enjoy and yearn for the passages and verses. The Word is so engaging. It speaks to me about my life. The Word speaks to my heart. I didn't want to stop reading. Five years after my conversion, a lot of Bible truths seem subconsciously etched in my mind... and whenever I read the Word, everything is put right in front of me. All the truths jump out at me with refreshing clarity. I want to do this everyday. Dear God, see me through.

Verses of the day:

Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with dissipation, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you unexpectedly like a trap.
For it will come upon all those who live on the face of the whole earth.
Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man.
--Luke 21:34-36

But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgement for every careless word they have spoken.
For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your worlds you will be condemned.
-- Matt 12:36-37

Discovery of the Day!

By the power of Google, I found a really really COOOL website! Well, that's coz I happen to like playing around with photoshop and am interested in trying to learn FLASH... so here's the cool site!

http://www.tutorialized.com

This site has so much stuff! From tutorials on photoshop to Flash to Paintbrush pro to php to website hosting and what nots! Goood gooood goooood. It even teaches you to draw tribal designs with photoshop. hahaha I'm gonna mess around with photoshop soon! once the hols come hahaha. So fun!

Dream Job no.1: Inspiring nature book writer and illustrator
Dream Job no. 2: Shop owner of a shop like Prints
Dream Job no. 3: Free-lance Photoshoper

Maybe I can start of as Free-lance photoshoper, then go book-writing and retire on my royalty fees and sit around in my shop. hahaha.

Sometimes, I think we really need dreams. This small country can be quite suffocating when it comes to that. But hey, dream on yah! You see, if we can't do all that on earth, we still have eternity to enjoy in heaven! yeap yeap yeap.

Talking about dreams, I should overcome my phobia of website-making and go ahead with Dreamweaver too. uhuh! Go tutorialized.com Go!

I have finally started on the introduction of my report. And it's strange that I work best like...after 12am. Of coz, there's one side of me telling me that my body needs rest. But I feel rather awake... surreal it seems. I like the wee hours of the morning. When everyone's asleep, no one disturbs... it's strangely peaceful and cozy and cool and comfortable... it's a time when I can call my own. ha. oh yes, not making much sense at 2.50am.

Addition to wishlist:

Two in one English/Chinese Bible.

Lost. Muah Chee.

I'm so nuah. I feel like muah chee. No drive to do any work man. I think I'm forgetting some things in life. I've kinda slowed down the pace of my life so much so that I am highly inefficient with a gigantic amount of backload. I look at the problem, check out all the difficulties and find the gargantuan pressure and inertia building up so high that I ain't getting started. I get bogged down by the minute trivialities of the problem I literally put them there before they exist. And when I've exhuasted myself thinking about all the hiccups that haven't happened, I realise I finally should start working. But when that happens, I'm so tired, all the problems become some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I churn out my Burkholderia Psuedomallei report to find that I could have done way better if I havent thought so much about how hard it was. Wait, I haven't even started the report yet. Come on, get a grip and get moving.

Hey, I think I know what JT has forgotten. Do you remember about the stewardship of resources? Remb, He is pleased when we work. We were created for meaningful and purposeful work. Think you forgot too... that is anything too hard for the Lord? If the Lord is with us, isn't dat the greatest driving force ever? Ah, first of all, I think I need to wake up to the idea that God isn't contained...

Passing Thought:
How come my blog has degenerated into some sort of whiny diary... I think I have neglected the lightheartedness of life and the niceness and interestingness of ppl and things I see. Too much inward-looking. Look outwards please!

Image of the day:
A calm puddle under a big tree reflecting the intricate criss-cross of branches, twigs, leaves and the sky.

Memories:
I used to think that puddles of that sort must be the most beautiful holiday resort swimming pool for ants living in nearby grass patches. (If they ever know how to swim. Do ants even drink water?)

My wishlist...

In no order of preference:

1) watch (my watches...spoilt n missing)
2) alarm clock (mine spoilt :( )
3) meiji chocolate coated gummy sweet (those in a tube)
4) glittery pen (colourless one. but got glitter... saw the aqua colourless pen... really colourless, transparent shiny ink! But I want it to glitter leh haha)
5) new sandals (cant run properly in slippers... esp when i'm late)
6) water bottle (cracked my water bottle cap... so sorry mel, it's a bad accident...)
7) mechanical pencil (lost 2 of my fav pencils! sigh.)
8) A bag big enough to go camping for 3D2N. (but not too big)

Well, I can survive without any one of the above. haha

I. am. forever. packing. my. room. because. I. am. a. powerful. procrastinator. I. am. a. lousy. lazy. bummer. I. am. a. tortoise. I. want. to. hide. inside. my. shell. and. leave. the. mess. outside. to. rot. I. want. everlasting. holidays. I. want. to. be. a. hermit. I. can. make. do. with. living. in. my. tortoise. shell. But. face. it. There. is. no. time. to. stand. and. stare. I. have. to. pack. up. Is. there. no. place. to. dream. and. make. dreams. real? Where the force of a dream makes you so alive that you keep working at it? Can the dream be non-mundane and out of this world? Or. do. all. things. come. in. troublesome. packages. with. sweat. inducing. procedures?

We are always looking for something to satisfy that little vacuum. We want to enjoy, but there's nothing that can fulfill that major appetite for something more satisfying. Nothing in this world can be really perfectly satisfactory, I figure. And there's something out of this world? Yes, I know there is. but. i. aint. moving. in. that. direction. why? coz. i. chose. in. all. my. foolishness. to. fill. my. senses. quickly. and. impatiently. with. minimal. effort. I. chose. that. which. is. in. this. world. which. does. not. last. what. is. the. point. Man. we. are. so. reblliously. fallable.

The story of a tortoise

Once upon a time, there lived a tortoise in far-far-away land. It lived with a few tortoises in a nice and cozy home and it had its own corner in the little home. It had a nice bed and a pretty-looking carpet. Everyone who visited this little home would look at the carpet and say, "What a pleasant carpet! It's looks so pretty and so welcoming and so cheery!" Only the tortoises who lived in the house noticed the little fraying corner at one side of the carpet and the little black patch at another corner (well, accidents do happen... ink/coffee/milo spills have left its mark there). And only the tortoise knew that the carpet isn't all as pretty as it seems. Of course, there're the stains that come with time and accidents... but there's also something else. There's dust beneath the carpet. This tortoise, being a tortoise, sweeps things under the carpet all the time. It's a jiffy way of cleaning up its room. At first, the tortoise vacuumed and cleared things up and all. But it was tough... and tiring too. Soon, it learnt how it could keep things all nice and easy by sweeping them under the carpet. And it became a habit... ah well, all still appeared well. And when all was well, all was peaceful and all was good. What's so bad? Of coz nothing's bad. Until... the amount of dust gathered was so overwhelmingly great that the carpet started to be uneven to step on.... and several tortoises tripped over the carpet! PooF SpOOf! More clouds of dust from the carpEt! ArcHOoo! aRgH! PoOoof! The nice carpet wasn't so nice anymore... it looked ugly with all the dust flying everywhere everywhere everywhere! And the tortoise was upset, guilty and angry at itself for not sweeping and cleaning its room properly. If only it had settled the dust problem properly, this little pOoofy dust explosion wouldnt have happened. The situation now looked bad. There's dust everywhere... and it knew that it was time for him to clear the air and everything before it's too late...

Moral of the story: Don't be a tortoise. Don't always sweep things under the carpet. Clear the air and solve the problem.

I'm wasting my time away. It's like wasting precious water. The droplets go down the drain and they don't come back. Yet, I do all I can to waste it. I think it's a sign of running running running away from reality-- the things that force you to wake up to pain.

And I've finally understood why people want to be alone and yet feel lonely. Coz when u're alone, nothing distracts you from thinking. And when you think, you start to really think. And a good imaginative mind will take you where you don't want to go. When you look at what you've been gruelling over, it suddenly looks like a joke and you've wasted more time dwelling on nothing.

I want to wake up to a new day and forget everything that's to do with yesterday and the day before and way past. Tomorrow's a new day.

在一个小房间里，有一个人在哭泣。她的心好痛好痛，却不知道为什么会如此伤心。 她知道自己是因为自己放不开心里的大石头才会难过，但又说不出那颗大石头是什么。她只感觉到自己被压得好紧好紧，几乎都透不过气了。她像一只被囚禁在笼子里的小鸟， 日子久了，就算有飞出笼子的机会她也不敢去争取。她希望痛苦的日子能够快点结束，但很多事情不是说忘就忘的。时间真的能够挽救和弥补一切吗？我们都知道：答案是不。

Stop it! Else I'd put you in the sink and spray your feet!

My dog was in one of his piss-iest moods and he went barking at like everyone who walks past the door. Time to make him keep his trap shut and show him who's boss. I glared at him as he cowered back and made his guilt trip to the little punishment place. Ears flat, tail limp, head low... he shrunk against the wall and waited to get an earful from me. My sister brought along his muzzle and dangled it in front of him, warning him of the serious consequences of his naughty act. As my sister walked towards his little corner, she stepped onto a puddle of his pee! In his rebellion during the day, he peed on the floor!!! Argh.

My dog saw the muzzle coming, and he wasn't about to take any chances. He aint gonna sit there to be muzzled up, so he tried to get past me and my sis... and stepped onto his own pee! He ran here and there... making pee-foot prints all over the floor! ARGH!!!

I had to get him! I caught hold of him... and brought him out to the sink at the little balcony. He struggled all the way of course. He's scared of heights and the sink is not that near the ground for a little dog like him. Two of his feet settled into the sink. I sprayed his feet with the hose... and he was simply stiff with his phobia of heights. Gotta wash him clean. NO more PEE prints around the HOUSE! Guess it must be quite traumatic to have your feet sprayed in the sink... and he struggled even more. ARgH... and the hose got out of hand... I got all wet. ARGhhhh.

He was cleaned in the end. And back into the house he went. Of coz, guilty and shocked at this horrible "spray-my-feet-in-the-sink" experience, he nestled in one of the corners in remorse. He looked pretty guilty and all of us melted. okok. We'll get u a tray and fix ur toilet up properly.

What makes an Auntie

I met one of my older friends who is now with 2 lovely kids, one aged two and a half and the other... about one. ( I figured that I lost my connection with kids. Some people looks so amazed at them and just cant help but play with them and make them smile. Is this a sign that I'm growing old?) Anyway, she introduced me and my friends to her kids, " This is uncle ____ and this is Auntie JT." O_o

For the first time, someone called me an Auntie. Usually, ppl call me xiao mei. Once in a blue moon, xiao jie. And now, Auntie. Not in the joking kind of way which we girls laugh at each other for "ooing and aaaahing" at all the cheap sales. It's auntie coz I've hit the age about a generation from her kid. That's about 18 years. Only. Hey, I'm not even twenty yet. At least not till 3 months later. Don't call me an auntie ok.

Haha. Then again, face it lah. 18yrs is quite a big gap. If I were to see a 40yr old lady now, I'd feel strange to call her by name or as ___ jie. Auntie sounds a bit more respectful. On the other hand, the stereotyped image sometimes associated with aunties can be interesting ... Haggling in the market over the prices of vegetables (and now eggs)... hanging those red plastic bags on their elbows and trying to kiap their wallets between their elbow and waist so that both hands can be free to hold more plastic bags... being very thrifty and goes for the best buys in town... fashion-wise, some people would say there's something distinctively "auntie" about them. Quoting from a friend, "You'll know when you see one."

I think ladies who are mothers wouldn't mind being called an auntie even if they are young... like in their twenties. But if the ladies are single 30s and 40s... I still feel a little reserved about calling them aunties. Especially if "you know they are not when you see them". Just go hello lah. And tap them. haha. Sometimes, I'd just jokingly call some of my older friends ___ jie -- a term of cute endearment.

There's nothing wrong with aunties. In fact, girls, if you to ever get bullied on the bus or in the shopping centres, they will be the ones to stand up for you! (Remember the bus rides and all the nice aunties I mentioned?) When the time comes... when I'm way past my 20th birthday and I come under the "you know when you see one" category, call me auntie if you like.

Fight. STOP. MOVE.

Have you ever felt the struggle within, knowing that this is something you hafta do and ought to do but you don't want to do it? And the next thing you know, you become a runaway, trying to escape from it, all the while hearing that little voice telling you to stop fighting and to do what's to be done. And you know that doing what you need to gives the utmost satisfaction and delight with no regrets... yet you just don't want to go through the tedious process and overcome that frightening load of inertia. That's how it feels like to go through life struggling against God's will, against the Spirit's promptings, against the Word. You hear the Spirit, but you quench and you grieve the Spirit. You run. You disobey. You try to look for your own share of worldly fun that appeals to the whole idea of freedom and no-commitment. But true freedom comes when you find freedom in the boundaries that keep you free from the nagging voice of the conscience... of the Spirit. Quit struggling, please. It's tiring. Move with God and move mountains. I surrender it all. I stop. I put down that heavy baggage that drags and gnaws at my heart and I start to follow Jesus again. I'm sorry I tried so hard to run in circles. The cross is heavy but I know I'm not carrying it alone.

Late Night out

I did something out of character. Wasn't expecting it. At 930pm, I was ready to go home... until huh? They wanted to see gays. Okie loh. So I followed my friends along Orchard and stopped juz somewhere opp hard rock cafe. Uhuh. GOSh. Sleazy man... scantily clad girls... trasvestites... n sleazy men... and ppl giving out packets of stuff to selective groups of people. (Make a guess what... they were muttering "underaged" when they saw my friends and I) Hmmm. Not a good place to be in.

Change of location. Connection connection. My rugger classmate knows the owner of Devil's bar. Some long story about bankruptcy and making a comeback, setting up Zouk and Devil's bar... and putting Devil's bar under the son's name blah blah. And so there we were. Devil's bar. Supposedly to be a strict place which is clean. Got a snowball that tasted creamy, seven-upish and chery-ish. Bourbon coke smells too strong... but Tequila sunrise is pretty fruity yummy. Snowballs good. Sunday night is some... erm... Cantonese song night, but ended off with good music. Stoned around eating fries, calamari and snowball. Nothing much. Loud music and sitting around. Music too loud for conversation. Saw an angmoh trying to pick up two girls. Saw two girls who looked like they're erm... les... and from the way they dance... they look drug-high. hmmm. Nothing much there. And I've gota check the time... gota rush back home. Late, way late. Left at 11.15pm.

Rushed to the MRT. Made it on the train with my friends.... And when I was alone with one of my friends, we started talking and he suddenly came to the realisation, "You're a Christian?!"
He asked why... and I couldn't really give an answer. He asked how. He said it would be hard for him to convert. He felt that religion was to each his own. Talked about church... tongues... slaying, faith-healing... and I was home. Bid my goodbyes.

But it started me thinking. Yah, what's my answer... it's been a long journey. a long long journey in someways. Time to reflect, sit back, take heart on my long journey...and have the answer ready, in all gentleness n respect.

PS: If there's one thing I really don't like about going to such places, it's the smell.. that smokey smell that gets stuck in ur hair. eeeeeeks.

My Life is Not my own

Thank God that I live!

45mins ago, in tiredness and daze, I dragged my feet home from the MRT station. Green man up, I crossed the road. Vehicles stopped. A few motorcycles cut across the road in front of me. Green man blinking, Blinking. I walked, dragged my feet. Blinking Blinking. Roaring of vehicles.

BUMP. JERK. I jumped.

I looked left and saw the taxi up close beside me. A blur of faces stared at me from inside the taxi. The taxi had just braked in time The inertia caused the sharp bump at the side of my bag. Shocked.

I walked on, the taxi driver drove off, I checked that the green man was still blinking. Blinking.

Heart racing, thumping thumping. If I had slowed down a few seconds more, the taxi would have rammed right into me. If I had taken a few paces to the left, I'd be knocked down. If the taxi driver hadn't jammed the brakes in time, I'd be no more.

Thank God for His Protection!

My life is not my own. If God had decided it was time, I'd be gone. But I'm still here. I have not finished the race and God still has plans for me here on earth. My life is not my own and I live for Jesus alone.

Green Memories
Yellow leaves spiralling down from age-old trees
With the touch of every breeze
A dazzle of yellow and green
Serene

Weddings

The common void deck was transformed into a lovely yellow, gold and white themed dining area. Lilies and roses and white table cloth poshed up the place. The beautiful and smiling Malay bride was clad in glamourous gold and white, dainty and pretty as can be. There she was, waiting for her groom to come. She's really pretty and the joy radiates from within. At the rthymic sound of drums, I turned to see a crowd of Malay well-wishers welcoming the groom and the rest of the procession to the dining area. He was smiling too. Smart-looking and happy, but a tad bit shy.

Well, my view was pretty much blocked after that, but the drums, the occasional chant-like songs and the joyous atmosphere made it a happy wedding. The bride's mum, my neighbour, was delighted to have us there. She was full of smiles and warmth and was a really good host. Food wise, yummy. Malay cuisine with yummylicious cakes and pastries. We're given delicate hand-made baskets with sweets and ribbons. So pretty. Heard there's supposed to be eggs in the basket... but erm, with the chicken problem and eggs shortage... ah well. I do wonder what's the significance of giving out the eggs in nicely-decorated baskets.

My malay neighbours are a warm and friendly bunch. Their daughter's really pretty too :) And I do wonder what's the significance of the procession and the little basket... It's quite nice to be in a multi-racial society after all. I'm enjoying the diversity. :) Waiting for my Indian friends to get married too... heez. Haven't been to an Indian wedding yet :)

I think love drives people crazy. I'm talking about those attraction kinda love between opposite species. As a sideline observer who's supposed to know some stuff on an underground basis and who is supposed to know not more than that, I really think it's crazy. Talking on the handphone for hours (like close to 24hours)... falling sick and refusing to get out of bed... and yet remaining healthy enough to lie in bed to laugh and smile on the phone. I think that sounds overly head-over-heels-drive-you-nuts-madness. Handphone, MIND YOU. And you're not the one footing the bills. And upon experiencing those fireworks and sparks, you've decided to heck the disgustingly huge phone bill and all the scolding from parents and decided to cover it up with some lame project excuse. Does that happen to all people? Huh. Yeah, I'm sounding like an antagonized ant ready to sink my pincer-like jaws into those who are about to say there's nothing wrong with being head-over-heels like that. Sure, I can be more reasonable and starting putting myself into other's people shoes. At the moment, and being helplessly antagonized, it just sounds too selfish to want to have a world of your own. Say what you want. This is the spot where I blog it out.

Crap-a-Rap-a-Wreck
(reads: Rubbish)

I party
I find out
I dig
I Excavate
I Solve
RPG made real.

Run around
Rock the town
Crap it up
Live it down
Smack the wall
Feel the fall
It’s over.
Game over.

Oh what crap.

Stony Enjoyment

Gentle breeze blowing... Clouds moving, skyscrapers standing... Me sitting on the bench, fountain of wealth not flowing... Stoning. Another enjoyable period of restful nothingness. Just staring ahead with the city skyscrapers looking solidly majestic. No push, No pull, No people. I wasn't bothered by them and they weren't bothered by me. In the heart of the city with the traffic buzzing about, I found the cozy slowness in pace there and then--the same comfortable doing-nothingness I felt at the Botanic Gardens.

Toilets Must NOT:
1) Have doors that cannot be closed or locked properly.
2) Have doors that are stuck upon closure.
3) Lack hooks on the door for ppl to hang their bags.
4) Lack Toilet paper.
5) Have overly powerful flushes that flush the surroundings as well.
6) Have automatic flushes that flush while a person is still using the toilet facilities.
7) Have taps that don't work properly (ie. ever- running taps, no tap, spoilt taps, over-powerful rush of water from taps)
8) Lack dust bins.

*the above is made on observation of a particular toilet in town.*

All by myself

And I actually enjoyed it. I think I've forgotten to enjoy a lot of things. I thought everything was grey. Grey. Dull. Bleak. Gloomy. But I guess it wasn't so bad... up the straight road, past the bend and right into the botanic garden. Cool luscious green leaves, sweet-smelling grasses plus the rush-gush-rush of mini rapids were pleasing for the senses, and the soul perhaps. The groups of joggers and morning-walkers weren't exactly part of the solitude package that I was looking for... but they were ok. They weren't bothered by me, and I wasn't very much bothered by them.

I picked a good, old wooden bench in front the trees (and a half under renovation pond) and did nothing. Well, for a while...till my phone vibrated. Such technology felt strangely out of place here. I chucked it aside and just sat there. Alone, and feeling very comfortable. There's no one to distract me, nothing to disturb me and it felt good to be quiet and just sitting there, enjoying everything.

The clouds were moving pretty fast up there and occasional blue patches of sky peeped at me... The palm trees stood out prettily against the sky and there were interesting vines that entangled strong and steady old trees. The little black birds spread their tail feathers out and did a little dance on the green patches. A yellow hummingbird flitted between the flaming yellow and red flowers... small black ants were creeping up and down my bench. I just sat there, tracing the curves of the hills and noticing how the landscape blended into each other.

I was reminded of Psalm 19

The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies prolcaim the work of His hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.

-- Psalm 19:1-4


My Dream Job

No.1
On my way out of Botanic Garden, I thought, my ideal job would be one where I can just stand in awe of nature and write about the enjoyment I find in them. Then I'd publish my book together with illustrations of inspiring scenes and live on the royalty fees before I come up with my next book. No deadlines, No push, No pull. And I'd get to travel and see the beauty that has been set on earth. What I write comes from the enjoyment and meaning that flows out from the within.

No.2
Dream job no.2? To open an art shop like Prints at Citylink. I love that shop and all the papers and books and cards. And I'd be happy coming up with more paper products. Not for money's sake, but for art's sake. But no. 1 dream job would still be the inspiring Nature book writer.

Dwelling in Blurness

What more can I say. Jumped up at the sound of the alarm clock, rushed out of the house, dashed across the road with the green man flashing, forced my way up the bus, nearly got squashed at the door and secretly patted myself on the back for being a teeny bit earlier than usual.

And I couldn't be more dumb.

I took the wrong bus. Ended at the wrong stop. Rushed to change another bus. Waited for what felt like forever and when I finally arrived, it was perhaps better that I didn't. Dumb and Dumber. What's gotten into me.

The Day after Tomorrow

Angered Angst
Betrayed Betrayal
Boiling on the double
Brewing up a wall
Boil the hot fuse
Cool the supression
An ice block and
A relational igloo

Experimentalipae Report

Observation
After 48hrs, lips return to normal state.

Conclusion
Mild allergy to lipbalm B (bodyshop's born lippy). However, a repeat of the experiment is recommended for more accurate results.

(Date of experiment is not fixed as yet.)

Everything's grey.

Racing mind. Restless thoughts. What lulled me to sleep was the sound of nature. The soothing, rhythmic croon of those little night creatures somehow set me at ease. Nature, and all the harmony that seemed associated with it, perhaps reminded me of peace. Peace in the relaxed, calm, restful sense. I slept well and only awakened to remember the drudgery that followed the days, which are all very well painted in grey.

All I know and dwell on in biology--the harmony and the altruistic nature of cells-- appear to be an ideal that is now tainted with grey in the bigger picture. Mutated forms of cellular life that migrate and fester are but part of the bleak greyness. In the individual that harbours that broken biological harmony, there is still a greater conflict: That between the will and the heart. Between the individuals, mutual relations collapse. We do not understand each other. We do not know nature as we think we do. Nature and that natural peacefulness is part of a pretty picture. But look, there's grey beneath it. Weeds going against crops. Competition for survival. Plant diseases. It's all grey.

Plant against Plant. Animal against Animal. Man against Man. Man against God. Do some permutation and combination. And the right combinations will be Plant and Animal against Man. and Man against God. This is a broken world.

I fail to remember the hope that lies at the end of the road. A promise unclaimed. A beautiful promise that seems distant and unreal. Too good to be true and too far to be tangible. I know it's true but the grey clouds me out.

Get up and reach out, for it has been promised that this broken world will be no more. Clean off the grey and remember that you are the salt and light of the world.

The Silliest person in the world

I'm talking about three persons perhaps. Yet they are all the same. The three are: Me, Myself and I. I found my NUSSU diary ... at home. *BoinG* *Slaps forehead* *Slams head on table*
I find myself doing this kinda of thing too often. ARgH. Horrible. Horrible. Hey JT, wake up your idea can? Why so blur like that?

Experimentalipae Report

Obeservation
After 11hours with Lipbalm B on, lips appeared to have swelled very slightly. (Luscious lips syndrome: Pouty lips) There's barely any itch or peeling.

Comments
Allergy reaction may not have occured as quantity used is too little.

Oberservation to be continued.

Experimentalipae

Abstract

Patient JT applied lipbalm A which resulted in major lip-cracking and peeling. She then immediately switched to lipbalm B to alleviate the situation but worsened the condition instead. On medical advice, betopic cream was applied and her lips were healed. An experiment is thus carried out a few months later to determine if lipbalm A or B is the culprit for the allegergy.

Aim/ Objective

To determine if Lip balm A or B (or both) causes patient JT's lip allergy by doing a patch test and hence determining which one (or none) is still suitable for her use.

Hypothesis

Lipbalm A is probably the culprit as major problems first appeared when Lipbalm A was used.

Procedure (for patch test)

A small amount of Lip balm B (bodyshop's born lippy) is applied to her lower lip and left overnight. A small amount is also applied to the top of her hand. The application is left overnight and oberservations will be made over the next 48 hours.

(Observation, Results and Conclusion will be out in 48 hours time.)

Lose, lost, Losing.

First my wallet, then my NUSSU diary. Frustrating. Wonder if anyone will bother to return it to me... gosh. Losing my diary or any of my organizers for that matter is like chopping off my right arm and turning off my left brain. I can't remember all my appointments, forget the things I have to do, forget all my friend's birthdays and don't even remember today's date... much less exam dates or other D day dates. And... I have only lost my NUSSU organizer TODAY, between 12pm to 2pm at my Lab8. Can some kind detective locate it and return to me please? This time, I'll remember to ask for your name and thank you properly... choco bar? ice-cream? hai.

Question of the day:

Would you rather know what you don't want to know or pretend to not know what you already know?

THe Phone-y conclusion

Remember my all my whining about getting a new phone and putting my 8250 in its retirement home and all? Yeah, itz done. Welcome to my white, glow in the dark Nokia 3120. hehe. Zero dollars for phone eh!!!! hahaah.. Now i'll start replying smses a bit more :p And i think Im gonna get addicted to the Beach rally car racing game :p

Quote of the day
If your heart is more beautiful than your face, we would have found the true occasion for celebration.

Thank you Auntie Noor ( or Nur)

If you've seen my wallet, you know that few people will be carrying it around. It's from Mu-ee and it has navy blue, white, and orange stripes. Obiang is what some people would call it. But yah, that's my wallet. So today, I carried it around as usual... decided to visit the washroom... and conveniently left it in the toilet cubicle. Great. JUST GREAT.

10 min later, I rushed back into the toilet to discover that my wallet is GONE. GONE!!! GONE!!! Do you feel the panic rising? Do you sense the shock and terror? Can you feel the truth sink in?

But actually, I wasn't panicking or shocked. I was just... dazed lah. It's probably like the fourth or fifth time I've left my wallet in the toilet. It usually can be found at the same spot where I left it. Once, it disappeared but someone returned it on the same day. This time... I have no idea. And my i/c and matriculation card and atm card and cash card and library card and all the cards are in it!!! Not much money though... ah well. Hai. Lost. No appetite. Need to go for lecture. Started whining to all the friends I meet along the way.

When I finally got home, the truth of the matter hit me (when my friend who's expert at losing such stuff told me...) that I need to make police reports, pay a fine for losing my i/c and must convice the i/c guy that I didnt lose my i/c on purpose... and visit the office of student affairs for my lost matric card... and the bank and the library... ahhhh... so much to do. No time no time! And police posts don't even open 24-7... only working hours. Argh. HOW HOW.

I gave up trying to think HOW HOW. Just meet Mr. Policeman first and report tomorrow. Finished whining to more friends online...

Just then... *Ding Dong*
*Bark Bark Bark* (That's my dog's reaction whenever the doorbell rings)

WALLET FOUND!!!!
Auntie Nur who lives 2 streets delivered my wallet to my doorstep! Apparently her daughter found my wallet and brought it home and she decided to send it to my house personally!!! Gosh!!! Dressed in her blue uniform... and addressing my mum and I kindly, she passed over the wallet... so sweet!!! So touched! And I didnt know what to do but to keep saying thank you!! Didnt even get her contact no. whatever... dazed. Gosh. Now she's left and I don't even know how to contact her to thank her! (What interpersonal skills I lack man. SO SLOW. SLOW. SLOW.) But thank God for people like her and her daughter!!!

THANK YOU AUNTIE NUR!!! :D :D :D :D

Paradox

The more you trust, the more it hurts.

Will you give your trust away to be destroyed again and again?

Jesus will. He lived to die.

Forgive.

So hard. So hard.

It's so hard to live a paradox. To give and keep giving, only to be hurt.

Yet Jesus lived the perfect paradox. He came willingly on earth to die. What made Him give up His Mighty Position for the Worst death on the cross? Love.

Can I live a paradox, to trust again, in love?

Stormed
The storm is here. It's blowing truly, madly, deeply. Everyone knows the storm is here and everyone pretends not to know. And I am expected to do something about it? What am I supposed to do? Destroy the thin fabric of peace that I pretend to have? I don't want to acknowldege it. I want to compartmentalize it. I want to live my own life away from it. I want a corner of my own without it. Whatever affects the peace that I hold so dear will be placed beyond the walls of my defenses. I ignore. You created your own world in the first place. You locked us out of it. Therefore, You and whoever's with you are out of the picture. Goodbye.

I will make do alone.

But it doesn't work this way. It just doesn't. Doesn't.

The Storm Builds up.
More frequent late night calls
that warrant silent warning signals
ringing non-stop in my head.
Greater tension within.
Growing.
Building.
Mounting.
Emotional pain can manifest itself in the physical.
To keep the peace
we keep the warm exterior,
But we grow cold and harden.
Soon, is there no pardon?

Have a cup of Whine?
Lazy afternoon.
Drizzle and breeze.
Stoning, doing nothing.
Staring at the pitter patter rain drops.
No-- there's work to do.
Work, Burden.
Burden, not enjoyment.
Do I still remember how to enjoy?
Do I enjoy what I am doing?
Do I enjoy life?
Drone Drone Droning on.
Pitter Patter Purposelessness.
Yawn.

Wake up sleepyhead!
Wake up!
Remember why you are here.
Remember what you are here for.
Remember where you are going.

Charmed

Imagine this. You are a guy who’s been in the photocopying room for hours, trying to get your notes printed. You’ve roped in two of your buddies and each of you are trying the quickest possible way to borrow all of the seven different textbooks that have been reserved at the counter. After a whole day’s work, you realize that you only have one book left to pick up from the counter. Just one little chapter to go and you’re done with this photocopying room…

You and one of your friends rush quickly to the counter to queue for the last book. As your friend double-checked the photocopying list, you notice three girls standing behind you who are gesturing animatedly… oh well. Whatever. All you have to do is to get the book and go. Just then…

The three girls approach you and your friend.

“Hi, are you guys also printing the notes for this module?” one of the taller girls asked.
“Yah,” your friend answered.
“Ok, we’re also printing the notes. Why not we print the notes from different books and combine our notes together? Faster that way,” suggested the tall girl.
“Actually, we’re finishing already. Only one book left,” your friend said in reply.
“Oh, like that ah. Okie loh. Never mind lah. Thanks,” said a shorter girl.

“Erm, then we help you borrow and photocopy the last book? Can we photocopy the rest from you all also?” the tall girl asked.

Your friend is reluctant… but somehow you agreed. As you watched the girls photocopy the notes, you can guess that your friends aren’t too happy. You were there the whole day photocopying that 2 inch thick pile of notes... and they just reaped the benefits... and got everything done in less than an hour. The tall girl offered to buy you a drink and the two other girls looked pretty paiseh about it. But they were quite smiley and full of thanks too. Oh well. It’s not so bad to help one another right? After all, it is “ju1 shou3 zhi1 lao2”… Well.

Ahem… erm… erm…The shorter girl is me.

Really paiseh. The guys have every right to be reluctant about it I guess… girls whom you don’t know… and who seem to be taking advantage of the situation??!! So sorry guys… and erm thanks.

If "You" were really you, will you be angry?...

*Guess my tall friend is really pretty gungho… and oh, perhaps charming too ;) *

Explosion of glittering stars

Finding your own patch of sky
It was way too crowded. All of us were shoulder to shoulder and back to back. I really appreciated the sea breeze and it was probably the most important factor that kept me from being suffocated by the crowd.(Is it sea breeze or land breeze at night? I’m no Geog student lah.). We waited like patient sardines anticipating their release from the can (ok, lame analogy but you get the idea). We were waiting to squeeze, push or elbow forward to the open area with the clearest patch of sky. No umbrellas and green, leafy foliage please. We don’t need shelter at 7.35pm in the evening. We only wanted our own patch of sky, clear as can be. And THAT would be about 5 metres in front of that barrier ahead.

Wanna know how many people there were? From my estimation, all Singaporeans who like to go where the crowds go will be there. (ie. 1,000,000 people. Don’t count on it though) The bridges were swamped with people, the merlion had many people at its feet (erm, tail) and Clifford pier was overcrowding with people of all sorts of nationalities. My dad was standing on my left, sisters on my right, mum in front and a group of Germans at the back. Since we were this close, I can’t help but overhear some conversations… and to sum it all up, ALL OF US CAN’T WAIT FOR THE FIREWORKS TO START.

7.40pm Waiting. Still waiting. Germans were discussing about going to Cambridge. (NO, I don’t understand German. But they mentioned Cambridge too many times.)

7.47pm Counting down 13 min to 8.00pm. Hope fireworks will start.

7.57pm Groups of people started screaming and clapping. False alarm. No fireworks. They were too bored.

8.00pm All of us craned our necks in anticipation. Nothing happened. The crowd started to wonder why.

“Hey, maybe it’s not today leh. Scully tomorrow! Everyone make mistake ah!”
“The person in charge last min on MC right… so show cancelled ah…”
“I bet they will just postpone until 8.15, then 8.30, then 8.45… and let us wait and wait.”
“Aiya. I want to eat Ajisen already ah… so long one…”
“Eh, if really don’t have ah, we don’t waste our film lah. Come come, let’s take photo!”

8.15pm Quiet anticipation. People were too tired to crap.

8.25pm … …

When Push comes to shove?
An usher in low cut black spaghetti top (huh? Honestly, I thought ushers for such international fireworks competition would look a bit more pro) came and started to shout some instructions. But, no one listened. The crowd just surged forward, beyond the barrier… I was literally Pushed and shoved with the tide and was washed right up front with my family… and THERE! We were right in front with a perfectly clear view of the waterfront and the wonderfully clear night sky!! There was sufficient space to sit comfortably too! Great! YEAH!

We’re all attracted to the light
Fireworks are beautiful! A sheer delight to watch! Shimmering, glittering and dazzling… My eyes were glued to the show and it felt like pure ecstasy. Never tried the drug lah… (lame lame.) I couldn’t take my eyes off the magnificent red, green, blue and gold lights that bursts into shooting stars… and each explosion added to the excitement and the desire for more of this! I love the golden comets that spiral through sky with their beautiful glittery tails… I also love those little fairy-like fireworks that soar upwards with their beautiful trails of stardust behind… and I love the big explosion of stars that cover the whole expanse of the sky! The show culminated in showers of multi-coloured stars that left a lot of “ooo”s and “aaah”s (running out of vocab coz… it’s really too fantastic!). The stars that were flung into the night sky seem to be falling right onto us and yet they disappear before we can reach out for them… but they are beautiful.. Beautiful! What makes them so beautiful and delightful? Are we all attracted to light? Somehow, the brevity of this makes us crave for more… (Is this how drugs work? :p I think I may be addicted to fireworks.)
Maybe it brings the real stars in the solar system closer to us… Beautiful.

Resolution of the day: I will pack my room.

Updates updates

Was scrolling through my blog and saw the many things I promised to blog on and haven't blogged... like the 3Ms of dating or something like that and the Lady on the MRT and my handphone.

First update
My handphone. My Nokia 8250 has more or less retired and a motorola T190 (I think), which my supervisor has kindly given me, has taken over the job. Well, motorolas aren't the most sms-friendly phones... so bear with my super super slow replies. Saw the Singtel ioneplus plans and the $38 dollar 6610 deal... and decided to erm... be passive about it. I'll just wait and see. I'll wait for signs like these: "JT! Your bill has gone up again! You better do something about it or change plans..." or "JT! You simply cannot reply sms faster izzit? See what has happened lah!" or... something to warrent the change of hp a need, not a want. oh well. hee.

Second update
Was on the train one day... and saw a lady reading primary school children books. My first impression? Perhaps she's a childcare teacher... the next thing I remembered was that she whipped out a small pocket dictionary and started checking it for words like "bounced" and "see-saw" and stuff like that. Uhuh, so she was learning English. Apparently, her English-Chinese dictionary has no "see-saw" in it and she decided to ask another lady sitting beside her. (actually, I was quite amazed at her enthusiastic learning attitude) The other lady couldn't quite translate "see-saw" in Chinese. I figured "see-saw" = "qiao1 qiao1 ban3" but I guess such terms aren't exactly in our everyday langauge and she was gesturing and trying to explain how a see-saw works... ... and I also guess this reminds me to start picking up my Chinese again. haha.

Third update
I'll blog on whatever I didnt blog in due time... (*well... if I remember :p) tata for now.

Counter reads: 403

The Storm

I see the storm coming again. The first tornado in 2002 was the worst. It hit our house, it hit our relative’s house, it hit the school, it hit me and it hit my life. The second tornado came in 2003, about 6 months or a year later. Well, some reparation work has been done before that… but the thin fibers of confidence, trust and security got thrown off by conflicting decisions and perceptions as we met that tornado. The second storm was not as bad as the first one, but it cut deep. Real deep. Some of my fears and perceptions were reinforced... though they could be wrong.

Now, the third storm has been gently brewing, brewing, brewing. It’s gathering up speed. I see the stir of the phone lines, the distinctive voice patterns and girly smiles that try so hard to mask all the clues and yet point to the eye of the storm. It’s coming. Past experiences tell me that the breeze I feel is forewarning me of a third tornado. I do not know how to react. I want to ignore the breeze. I want to pretend that nothing’s going on. But I know that the greater pretense I put on, the harder the storm will hit. Deep inside, a very small whisper says that the breeze may be the harbinger of a joyous occasion. Father, teach me how to handle the storm, not by experience, but by love.

Quote of the day:
If you are filled with the regrets of yesterday and the worries for tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for.

The craziest day of my life.

Like i said, it's crazy. Don't expect this blog to make sense. Went to work as usual, arrived early, went to Fort canning and the Registry of Marriage behind the office to kill time... and started working on the wrong foot. Had a serious meeting that was thought-provoking and mind- draining... ate a lunch too spicy for my stomach. Talk lots of rubbish and started singing out of tune at the bus-stop. Talked more rubbish on the bus and felt guilty for it. Tried to repent but laughed everything off when my friend started singing in a sad tone, non-stop, choir style... Laughed all the way home. Mind unsettled. Thoughts racing. Guilt mounting. Till I got home. skipped dinner. Helped my sis do some handycraft... Mind energy channeled.... brain made more sense. Hush. Shhhh. Lost my voice. Timely indeed. But this is still a crazy day and this is a crazy blog entry.

Quote of the day:
Silence is golden