I'm gonna sound highly self-abusive and self-deprecating. It's only the result of exam blues. Don't worry about what you read. It's a passing phase. I'll be fine after my exams. Right now, I just need to throw up verbally.

I'm suffering from mid-uni crisis. Suddenly, this paper chase and memorizing and doing well for exams doesn't mean anything to me. I feel like quitting school. Studying is meaningless. Papers are meaningles. They are nothing in eternity. They don't count. I'm an escapist. But I aint gonna quit school coz I'm too lousy and too timid to do anything about it. No guts. And I know there are unforseen circumstances which I would not be able to take. I defiantly refuse to become a teacher. Why am I studying what I'm majoring in? I'm in the wrong faculty. I'm not gonna be a researcher. It's true that life becomes meaningless when there's nothing you look forward to. In sec sch, you look forward to JC. In JC, you aim for uni. In uni, you wanna half a good uni life and enjoy all the ccas and friends and freedom. But here I am, halfway through my uni life and it is meaningless. I have commitments elsewhere which I'm struggling with. I don't live the typical ideal uni paperchase-full-of-achievements life. Too much disappointment. Too much burdens and backload and guilt and bad experiences. A fouled up impression. I want to be free of commitment and do what I enjoy doing. But I want to escape from the process of trying to do something. And I'm too un-gutsy to do something about it. So I get stuck in a blackhole. I'm tired of life. I sound like an 80 year old granny. Meaningless meaningless. I force myself to fulfill my commitments. I neglect ongoing thigns at home dat should have been given priority. But it wasn't my fault izzit? they expect me to turn up when they blow the whistle. I'm feeling guilty for thinking like a selfish nut. I know I'm not thinking logically or theologically. Away from God too intensively recently. Do I even enjoy anything? I know I do.But now I can't think. I'm horrible. I can be a bitter n ugly thing.

-sigh of relief-
I'm done with unloading. I'll be okie. Pray for me?