Uncensored I cannot help it. I need to unleash. Highly frustrated with the way things are now. How can I ever sit in the exam hall and will myself to fail? How can I just drop my pen on the table, sit back and watch the time run? I'm dooming myself to fail. All or nothing. And I chose nothing. So, face it, it's my first ever D grade ever since I've stepped into uni. But it's not the first time I failed. But the big difference is that I never felt so away from God and so frustrated and so helplessly indignant in going on my knees to pray for a change in my heart. So 3 papers flew by and I probably flopped all 3 of them. I only have two responsibilities at hand: school and ministry. Home responsibilities are another thing altogether (Real or imagined responsibility? That's debatable.) I know I'm not handling school, and so I try to shift time off ministry for school. But ministry stuff sometimes being urgent with all the deadlines demand immediate action. So there I go, not juggling anything. I escape and ignore ministry with that great guilt in my heart which weighs down whatever I do. School? Non-productive work done with plenty of conscience nagging at me for giving ministry up. Where did my time go? Spent trying to escape from my guilt. Where? Games, TV, computer. Anything to distract myself. I think I'm a walking mess. My hair's a constant mess, room's a mess, notes in a mess... exams' a mess. LIfe's a mess (Fine, a mess from my point of view. A life that does not acknowledge God is always a mess). I know I'm a mess but I stubbornly refuse to snap out of it. So I step all over myself and made myself feel like a sore loser. An ugly, dark creature emerging. I've been morbidly thinking that life is a little too long for too many failures to happen. It'd be good to just get cancer. (All those cell proliferation, cancer and apoptosis exam questions spelt my doom.) After I get cancer, I'd forget about chemo and go for an operation to remove whatever tumour. Preferably, I'd just die in the operating theatre unconscious. Then I'll go meet God to face my judgement. I'll regret it. Thought of the day: If you can't even stand yourself, you are that bad. And God is that GOOD.