Emotion of the moment = :(
Mum bought me a new pair of earrings but I lost another pair down the washing machine into the pipes and away through the drain :(
Rainy days and umbrellas
I was walking home from the MRT station as usual and It was drizzling. So, I flicked my umbrella out and happily made my way home. While waiting for the green man to appear at the pedestrain crossing, I saw an umbrella-less lady walking towards me with her hands full of shopping bags. She stopped about one metre away from me. Raindrops falling falling falling... and I was thinking very very very hard if I should go over and give her some shelter. It was a struggle. It seemed weird to just walk over. I'd rather have her pop under my umbrella. I wouldn't mind at all. (Well, there's once when a girl just came over and asked me if she could share my umbrella. No prob! You're welcome to do that!)
As I stood there, I can't help but remember how other aunties and uncles have given me some space under their puny umbrellas in the midst of storms. In those sec sch and JC days, our huge bags and giant stacks of notes barely left any space for umbrellas. I don't know how I did it, but I didnt mind getting drenched to the skin during my sec sch and JC days (as long as my bag is waterproof and nothing inside gets wet). But, as I walked home from the same MRT station, some kind aunties would offer to shelter me home. That happened twice already.
On one of the occasions, it was only drizzling and I was just plain lazy to take my umbrella out. A motherly lady came over and decided to shelter me home. I felt so embarrassed that I didn't dare to say anything about that umbrella which was hidden away in my bag.
On another occassion, I was at the same pedestrain crossing... standing in the rain and waiting for the green man to appear. An uncle came along with only newspapers as he shelter. When he saw me, he gave me half his stack of newspapers and told me to cover my head so that I won't get sick.
Yet another occasion was when I was right here at the same spot feeling the pitter patter on my head when a Malay lady shared her umbrella with me. That's really nice of these people. And they are complete strangers you know...
As I stood there watching the lady stare impatiently at the traffic lights, I was really in a dilemma. I am not exactly the most gungho and courageous person when it comes to talking to strangers. So I just stood there... till the green man appeared. She hurried across the road and rushed ahead. As for me, I trailed behind till she disappeared behind some HDB blocks, lost in thoughts about the three rainy day kindred spirits and the lady in the rain.
Here's five cents worth of simple plainwords. The little things that didnt make it to speech, the little fleeting moments of sensitiveness to my subconscious self, the little struggles in between the lines and all the bits and pieces I want to remember.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Updated wish list
1) loop ear-rings that big enough so that wearing it doesn't require ear lobe & finger gynastics and small enough so that it doesn't create any hair entaglement hassle.
2) a new swim suit
3)meiji chocolate coated gummy sweet (those in a tube) (ate too much during exam period)
4) glittery pen (colourless one. but got glitter... saw the aqua colourless pen... really colourless, transparent shiny ink! But I want it to glitter leh haha)
5) new sandals (cant run properly in slippers... esp when i'm late)
6) water bottle (cracked my water bottle cap... so sorry mel, it's a bad accident...)
7)mechanical pencil (lost 2 of my fav pencils! sigh.) (bought replacements)
8) A bag big enough to go camping for 3D2N. (but not too big)
10)Two in one English/Chinese Bible.
11)watch (my watches...spoilt n missing) (found the missing but need to change strap)
12) alarm clock (mine spoilt :( )
1) loop ear-rings that big enough so that wearing it doesn't require ear lobe & finger gynastics and small enough so that it doesn't create any hair entaglement hassle.
2) a new swim suit
3)
4) glittery pen (colourless one. but got glitter... saw the aqua colourless pen... really colourless, transparent shiny ink! But I want it to glitter leh haha)
5) new sandals (cant run properly in slippers... esp when i'm late)
6) water bottle (cracked my water bottle cap... so sorry mel, it's a bad accident...)
7)
8) A bag big enough to go camping for 3D2N. (but not too big)
10)Two in one English/Chinese Bible.
11)
12) alarm clock (mine spoilt :( )
Friday, November 26, 2004
My plant and me I have an itchy hand and a curiosity for strange plants. The last time i went to botanic gardens, I secretly uprooted a pretty fern and brought it home. Hmmm... I really wanna know what's it's name and how I can make it grow better. It has a thread-thin, super strong and tough black stem and jade green leaves that looks a bit like a little paw. Let's call it the paw fern. Before I got this treasure, I brought some of those arial plants home from the Botanic gardens home. Apparently, they don't need to survive in soil and all they need is a cool misty environment. They have no roots and have small spiklets for its leaves. It looks like a cute mess of spikes. The closest description/ look-alike that I can think of would be those fluffy metallic looking decor you wind around your christmas tree.... Well, my arial plant died a long time ago. Dehydrated I guess. So sad. My paw fern is still growing at the moment. I like it's discreet and strong character. Erm, hope to find out how I can let this little thingie grow along with me!
|
I like grass I was feeling murderous to a certain type of flowers that's growing on the grass patches on my way home. They are such dainty and pretty little things that are good for plant presses and decorative materials for bookmark-making. If you ever bother to look at grass patches (muderously or not), you'd find those small yellow flowers that looks like fluff encased by a little green cup (or carpels/sepals whatever). There're also the pink fluffy flowers that'd turn all white and fluffy in its full bloom. (Those flowers that turn bald when a breeze blows... yeah, that's the one...) Those are the common breeds. And there you have the more unique ones (much harder to find) like the ultra-mini white version of a sunflower. There's also the micro wild orchid look-alike dressed in white petals and pinkish-yellow frocks. It looked so pretty amongst the small dark green raindrop-like leaves. The less novel greens include the ribbon grass (I don't know what it's called... but I've been calling it ribbon grass since young) that lookied like a slim 'Y' shape standing above the ground. There are also plenty of leafy grasses with pretty heart shaped leaves and intricate venation. I once drew a pic of the common everyday grass. But it's not that common when the crystal morning dew drops are shimmering at the tip of every grassy blade. So fresh and pretty. I like the grass. It's everywhere, it's green, it's common but it's strong. They just grow. No grass patch is boring. With time you'll find new kinds of pretty plants and flowers growing with it. Indeed, God clothes the grass of the field! As I was saying, I felt murderous towards those pretty little things coz they made good artsy handicraft material. But everytime I wanted to stretch my hand out to snap that thin stalk and eternalize that beauty in the form of a dehydrated plant press, I couldn't bear to do it. No dried flower is the same as that pretty vibrant little thing that clothes that unnoticeable grass patch. It's transcient beauty cannot be confined and fixed. And perhaps, the most beautiful thing is that this little flower in its full life cycles would soon bring a host of little angelic flowers the next season.My dream job no.1 is still to be an inspiring nature book writer cum illustrator. Verse of the day: If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? (Matthew 6:30) |
Uncensored I cannot help it. I need to unleash. Highly frustrated with the way things are now. How can I ever sit in the exam hall and will myself to fail? How can I just drop my pen on the table, sit back and watch the time run? I'm dooming myself to fail. All or nothing. And I chose nothing. So, face it, it's my first ever D grade ever since I've stepped into uni. But it's not the first time I failed. But the big difference is that I never felt so away from God and so frustrated and so helplessly indignant in going on my knees to pray for a change in my heart. So 3 papers flew by and I probably flopped all 3 of them. I only have two responsibilities at hand: school and ministry. Home responsibilities are another thing altogether (Real or imagined responsibility? That's debatable.) I know I'm not handling school, and so I try to shift time off ministry for school. But ministry stuff sometimes being urgent with all the deadlines demand immediate action. So there I go, not juggling anything. I escape and ignore ministry with that great guilt in my heart which weighs down whatever I do. School? Non-productive work done with plenty of conscience nagging at me for giving ministry up. Where did my time go? Spent trying to escape from my guilt. Where? Games, TV, computer. Anything to distract myself. I think I'm a walking mess. My hair's a constant mess, room's a mess, notes in a mess... exams' a mess. LIfe's a mess (Fine, a mess from my point of view. A life that does not acknowledge God is always a mess). I know I'm a mess but I stubbornly refuse to snap out of it. So I step all over myself and made myself feel like a sore loser. An ugly, dark creature emerging. I've been morbidly thinking that life is a little too long for too many failures to happen. It'd be good to just get cancer. (All those cell proliferation, cancer and apoptosis exam questions spelt my doom.) After I get cancer, I'd forget about chemo and go for an operation to remove whatever tumour. Preferably, I'd just die in the operating theatre unconscious. Then I'll go meet God to face my judgement. I'll regret it. Thought of the day:If you can't even stand yourself, you are that bad. And God is that GOOD. |
Thursday, November 25, 2004
When I read my own blog, I realise I'm a self-contradictory whiner. Gosh. Sheesh. Don't you ppl feel sian of all my whining? Shall not whine anymore.
Colours in the midst of exams
This is probably my most stressed and most relaxed exam period. As a distracted full-time library hermit from 8.30am to 10pm daily for the past week, I've been staring out of the window on and off. (Yeah, I don't deny I was distracted.) The things that you notice when you simply want anything to distract you can be pretty amazing.
There I was, in the library, and I noticed the clear blue sky with puffy cutsey clouds that fades into some sort of homogenous grey mess before the rain came. I even realised with amazement that not all rainy days are thunderous and lightningful. The longest delay between the lightning and thunder on that particular day was about five whole seconds. When the storm was over, out came the sun and there you have your silver lining. On other days, you have beautiful blends of orange, red and purple which gives way to velvet black and pretty lights in the nights.
Hey, even hot afternoons can be exciting too. As I stoned, I saw an eagle spiraling the NUS sky. Large wing span. Gliding and riding the winds. Sleek and swift. Against the burning sun, the eagle's shadow was cast on the roof of lower buildings.
I wouldn't have noticed all these if I weren't trying to find something I could do other than to study.
See, that's why I'm blogging this. I'm trying to delay having to start. okok. enough is enough. Back to photosynthesis...
(I wish I had a camera to capture all those pretty scenery outside the window....)
Colours in the midst of exams
This is probably my most stressed and most relaxed exam period. As a distracted full-time library hermit from 8.30am to 10pm daily for the past week, I've been staring out of the window on and off. (Yeah, I don't deny I was distracted.) The things that you notice when you simply want anything to distract you can be pretty amazing.
There I was, in the library, and I noticed the clear blue sky with puffy cutsey clouds that fades into some sort of homogenous grey mess before the rain came. I even realised with amazement that not all rainy days are thunderous and lightningful. The longest delay between the lightning and thunder on that particular day was about five whole seconds. When the storm was over, out came the sun and there you have your silver lining. On other days, you have beautiful blends of orange, red and purple which gives way to velvet black and pretty lights in the nights.
Hey, even hot afternoons can be exciting too. As I stoned, I saw an eagle spiraling the NUS sky. Large wing span. Gliding and riding the winds. Sleek and swift. Against the burning sun, the eagle's shadow was cast on the roof of lower buildings.
I wouldn't have noticed all these if I weren't trying to find something I could do other than to study.
See, that's why I'm blogging this. I'm trying to delay having to start. okok. enough is enough. Back to photosynthesis...
(I wish I had a camera to capture all those pretty scenery outside the window....)
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Saturday, November 20, 2004
I'm gonna sound highly self-abusive and self-deprecating. It's only the result of exam blues. Don't worry about what you read. It's a passing phase. I'll be fine after my exams. Right now, I just need to throw up verbally.
I'm suffering from mid-uni crisis. Suddenly, this paper chase and memorizing and doing well for exams doesn't mean anything to me. I feel like quitting school. Studying is meaningless. Papers are meaningles. They are nothing in eternity. They don't count. I'm an escapist. But I aint gonna quit school coz I'm too lousy and too timid to do anything about it. No guts. And I know there are unforseen circumstances which I would not be able to take. I defiantly refuse to become a teacher. Why am I studying what I'm majoring in? I'm in the wrong faculty. I'm not gonna be a researcher. It's true that life becomes meaningless when there's nothing you look forward to. In sec sch, you look forward to JC. In JC, you aim for uni. In uni, you wanna half a good uni life and enjoy all the ccas and friends and freedom. But here I am, halfway through my uni life and it is meaningless. I have commitments elsewhere which I'm struggling with. I don't live the typical ideal uni paperchase-full-of-achievements life. Too much disappointment. Too much burdens and backload and guilt and bad experiences. A fouled up impression. I want to be free of commitment and do what I enjoy doing. But I want to escape from the process of trying to do something. And I'm too un-gutsy to do something about it. So I get stuck in a blackhole. I'm tired of life. I sound like an 80 year old granny. Meaningless meaningless. I force myself to fulfill my commitments. I neglect ongoing thigns at home dat should have been given priority. But it wasn't my fault izzit? they expect me to turn up when they blow the whistle. I'm feeling guilty for thinking like a selfish nut. I know I'm not thinking logically or theologically. Away from God too intensively recently. Do I even enjoy anything? I know I do.But now I can't think. I'm horrible. I can be a bitter n ugly thing.
-sigh of relief-
I'm done with unloading. I'll be okie. Pray for me?
I'm suffering from mid-uni crisis. Suddenly, this paper chase and memorizing and doing well for exams doesn't mean anything to me. I feel like quitting school. Studying is meaningless. Papers are meaningles. They are nothing in eternity. They don't count. I'm an escapist. But I aint gonna quit school coz I'm too lousy and too timid to do anything about it. No guts. And I know there are unforseen circumstances which I would not be able to take. I defiantly refuse to become a teacher. Why am I studying what I'm majoring in? I'm in the wrong faculty. I'm not gonna be a researcher. It's true that life becomes meaningless when there's nothing you look forward to. In sec sch, you look forward to JC. In JC, you aim for uni. In uni, you wanna half a good uni life and enjoy all the ccas and friends and freedom. But here I am, halfway through my uni life and it is meaningless. I have commitments elsewhere which I'm struggling with. I don't live the typical ideal uni paperchase-full-of-achievements life. Too much disappointment. Too much burdens and backload and guilt and bad experiences. A fouled up impression. I want to be free of commitment and do what I enjoy doing. But I want to escape from the process of trying to do something. And I'm too un-gutsy to do something about it. So I get stuck in a blackhole. I'm tired of life. I sound like an 80 year old granny. Meaningless meaningless. I force myself to fulfill my commitments. I neglect ongoing thigns at home dat should have been given priority. But it wasn't my fault izzit? they expect me to turn up when they blow the whistle. I'm feeling guilty for thinking like a selfish nut. I know I'm not thinking logically or theologically. Away from God too intensively recently. Do I even enjoy anything? I know I do.But now I can't think. I'm horrible. I can be a bitter n ugly thing.
-sigh of relief-
I'm done with unloading. I'll be okie. Pray for me?
Friday, November 19, 2004
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Passion I'm getting tired of being a nuah person. In my dictionary, nuah means a blend of indifference, passionlessness, passiveness and quitterishness. A nuah life is about having no commitment, no sense of responsibility, no motivation and no fighting spirit. One day blends into another and time really flies. But being nuah, it doesn't matter. But there is no satisfaction in this at all. It is meaningless. It is hollow. It is self-crumbling. No, I don't want to be nuah anymore! I want to be focused! I want to give all that I have to do my best shot! I want to stop hiding and sitting back and go for it! I have plenty of things waiting for me to do. I have a ministry to serve and I have roles to fulfill as a student! And I have God who is interested in my life! Oh God, help me to cast off all that hinders and run the race! Help me to number my days aright! Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that`you will not grow weary and lose heart. -- Hebrews 12:1-3
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Thursday, November 11, 2004
| Sigh
Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. No passion. No fighting spirit. Nothing. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. Sigh. SigH. SIGH. Sigh.Sigh. SigH. Sigh. Sigh. SigH. |
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Green Memories
Yellow leaves spiralling down from age-old trees
With the touch of every breeze
A dazzle of yellow and green
Serene
禄* 意盎然的回忆
枯黄的叶从千年大树上飘飘而下
微风一阵一阵地吹来
附近一片禄*意盎然
美丽的宁静
( somehow, I can't find the chinese word for green coz I can't type lu-- with two dots above the u. So, 禄* will be the replacement for the moment...)
Yellow leaves spiralling down from age-old trees
With the touch of every breeze
A dazzle of yellow and green
Serene
禄* 意盎然的回忆
枯黄的叶从千年大树上飘飘而下
微风一阵一阵地吹来
附近一片禄*意盎然
美丽的宁静
( somehow, I can't find the chinese word for green coz I can't type lu-- with two dots above the u. So, 禄* will be the replacement for the moment...)
Quote of the day:
The look on a student's face when he has finished his exam paper way before the time is up is either one of complete confidence or bored ignorance.
In view of my basic translation module... here's the chinese version (pardon my not so good cheena)
今天的引文：
一位提早作完考卷的学生， 脸上露出的不是自信就是无知。
or
今天的标语：
一位很早就作完考卷的学生，脸上所显露的不是一副完全自信的表情，就是一副即无聊又无奈的表情。
More translations coming up... (didn't know my own blog was so hard to translate...)
The look on a student's face when he has finished his exam paper way before the time is up is either one of complete confidence or bored ignorance.
In view of my basic translation module... here's the chinese version (pardon my not so good cheena)
今天的引文：
一位提早作完考卷的学生， 脸上露出的不是自信就是无知。
or
今天的标语：
一位很早就作完考卷的学生，脸上所显露的不是一副完全自信的表情，就是一副即无聊又无奈的表情。
More translations coming up... (didn't know my own blog was so hard to translate...)
Saturday, November 06, 2004
So much in a child
I was playing with my little pri 1 cousin this afternoon... and he's a little terror of sorts. Here's his profile: Bad tempered, mischievous, stubborn, rough, messes up the place, wants all the little things, wants things his way... a little monster. (Don't get me wrong, I still love him. Read on.) He wanted me to play with him today but I wasn't in the mood. Of coz, being the insistent little one, I had little strength left from my overnight studying to resist him.
Actually, he's quite an active boy and all he wants is just some attention. ok, I'm fine with that. So, he did his usual terrorizing around my room, carrying my soft toys all over the place and took off all the notices on my white board. He dug for a marker ( I made sure it was non-Permanent!) and started drawing on the whiteboard. He started role-playing... as a maths teacher, an art teacher and a chinese teacher. I was his only student, listening and nodding in amusement (much to his delight). It was indeed amusing to hear him teach. In all his innocence, he mimicked his English teacher's british accent, his chinese teacher's style and portrayed his maths teacher's strictness.
We played some sort of doctor RPG too. He was the doctor. I was the obliging patient and nurse. He soon got bored of just curing patients and told me to start talking a lot and make a lot of noise. Well, I did.
Then he went, "shut up!"
"That's quite rude you know, doctors aren't supposed to do that," I said.
"But the dentist in my school also told the children to shut up. But not me, because I'm a good boy. But I was terrified," he said.
Poor thing. Dentists and doctors should mind their language. Kids pick things like theses up quickly. And they don't hestiate in the doing the same.
He got bored quickly and I had to occupy him with some sort of guess-the-number-saga-seeds-in-my-hand game (before he finds more things to destroy or desire around my room...). He very much wanted to win, changing answers here and there. But when he finally counted the saga seeds hidden in my palm, he didn't purposely miscount them to win the game. He's honest. We played some sort of flag eraser game (you know, the primary school kind of game-- flip the eraser till yours lands on top of your opponents). He was quite fair too, making sure we had erasers of similar size. There's this basic and simple sense of fairness and justice.
And kids like him have an eye for detail too. He noticed that surgeons wear masks. And their curiousity is limitless.
"Why must doctor wear mask?"
"Where does saga seed come from?"
"Is the saga seed tree big?"
Curious little imp he is. Yet, he's scared of the dark. He's scared of the monsters under the bed. Somehow I don't exactly believe in telling kids myths to scare them into being obedient. I think logical reasoning works better. Kids may be young and innocent, but they think too. It'd be quite hard burst their bubble and challenge their mythical reality later on in life when they get too old for the Tooth fairy or Santa Claus story. So, I've decided to spoil his monster world reality.
I told him firmly, " There are no monsters under my bed and there are no monsters in this world. The biggest monsters are you and I. When we get angry and start shouting at people, we become scary monsters. You know how scary people get when they are angry right? You know how scary you can get when you start getting angry right?"
"There are really no monsters?" he asked in all innocence.
"Yes there are no monsters. You are a little monster when you start throwing tantrums."
"Yes, I can shout so loudly until the windows break. I can shout until everybody in Hillington (did I get that right?) can hear."
"That's scary isn't it? You're like a little monster. Don't go around being a monster. It's scary."
"I don't always shout. I only shout when people ask me to do bad things."
"oh... what bad things?"
"Like if they ask me to murder people or if they ask me to bully younger kids, I shout at them."
"oh... don't shout at them. Tell them that they are wrong. When you shout, you start becoming a little monster again. You don't like to be shouted at right? So be nice to people even if they shout at you. Tell them properly. You like gentle people right? So you must be gentle to people too. Sometimes when you are gentle towards people, they still shout at you. And you still have to be gentle. It may take one, two, three, four, even five times before other people realise that you are actually being gentle to them."
"So I must be gentle to them even if they shout?"
"Yes, be nice and gentle. After a while, or a long while, they will realise that you are a gentle boy."
This little boy beamed with his toothless grin as he would when someone complemented him.
The issue of shouting at others aside, we came back to monsters.
"There are really no monsters? But monsters come out at night when you don't sleep. So children must sleep at night."
"No... But you still must sleep. Do you know why you must sleep?"
"Why?"
"Have you ever gotten a bad headache before? No right? That's because you sleep. If you don't sleep, you'll wake up with a headache. And you will look like a panda. Panda has dark eye rings like me. And you won't look good anymore."
"I don't like pandas. I will become cranky also."
"Yah, when you don't sleep, you'll become a canky monster with a headache. So must sleep at night ok?"
All ended with a game of tic-tac-toe. And he actually let me start first. He's not bad at tic-tac-toe at all.
He's still a little boy, and there's so much in this child.
I was playing with my little pri 1 cousin this afternoon... and he's a little terror of sorts. Here's his profile: Bad tempered, mischievous, stubborn, rough, messes up the place, wants all the little things, wants things his way... a little monster. (Don't get me wrong, I still love him. Read on.) He wanted me to play with him today but I wasn't in the mood. Of coz, being the insistent little one, I had little strength left from my overnight studying to resist him.
Actually, he's quite an active boy and all he wants is just some attention. ok, I'm fine with that. So, he did his usual terrorizing around my room, carrying my soft toys all over the place and took off all the notices on my white board. He dug for a marker ( I made sure it was non-Permanent!) and started drawing on the whiteboard. He started role-playing... as a maths teacher, an art teacher and a chinese teacher. I was his only student, listening and nodding in amusement (much to his delight). It was indeed amusing to hear him teach. In all his innocence, he mimicked his English teacher's british accent, his chinese teacher's style and portrayed his maths teacher's strictness.
We played some sort of doctor RPG too. He was the doctor. I was the obliging patient and nurse. He soon got bored of just curing patients and told me to start talking a lot and make a lot of noise. Well, I did.
Then he went, "shut up!"
"That's quite rude you know, doctors aren't supposed to do that," I said.
"But the dentist in my school also told the children to shut up. But not me, because I'm a good boy. But I was terrified," he said.
Poor thing. Dentists and doctors should mind their language. Kids pick things like theses up quickly. And they don't hestiate in the doing the same.
He got bored quickly and I had to occupy him with some sort of guess-the-number-saga-seeds-in-my-hand game (before he finds more things to destroy or desire around my room...). He very much wanted to win, changing answers here and there. But when he finally counted the saga seeds hidden in my palm, he didn't purposely miscount them to win the game. He's honest. We played some sort of flag eraser game (you know, the primary school kind of game-- flip the eraser till yours lands on top of your opponents). He was quite fair too, making sure we had erasers of similar size. There's this basic and simple sense of fairness and justice.
And kids like him have an eye for detail too. He noticed that surgeons wear masks. And their curiousity is limitless.
"Why must doctor wear mask?"
"Where does saga seed come from?"
"Is the saga seed tree big?"
Curious little imp he is. Yet, he's scared of the dark. He's scared of the monsters under the bed. Somehow I don't exactly believe in telling kids myths to scare them into being obedient. I think logical reasoning works better. Kids may be young and innocent, but they think too. It'd be quite hard burst their bubble and challenge their mythical reality later on in life when they get too old for the Tooth fairy or Santa Claus story. So, I've decided to spoil his monster world reality.
I told him firmly, " There are no monsters under my bed and there are no monsters in this world. The biggest monsters are you and I. When we get angry and start shouting at people, we become scary monsters. You know how scary people get when they are angry right? You know how scary you can get when you start getting angry right?"
"There are really no monsters?" he asked in all innocence.
"Yes there are no monsters. You are a little monster when you start throwing tantrums."
"Yes, I can shout so loudly until the windows break. I can shout until everybody in Hillington (did I get that right?) can hear."
"That's scary isn't it? You're like a little monster. Don't go around being a monster. It's scary."
"I don't always shout. I only shout when people ask me to do bad things."
"oh... what bad things?"
"Like if they ask me to murder people or if they ask me to bully younger kids, I shout at them."
"oh... don't shout at them. Tell them that they are wrong. When you shout, you start becoming a little monster again. You don't like to be shouted at right? So be nice to people even if they shout at you. Tell them properly. You like gentle people right? So you must be gentle to people too. Sometimes when you are gentle towards people, they still shout at you. And you still have to be gentle. It may take one, two, three, four, even five times before other people realise that you are actually being gentle to them."
"So I must be gentle to them even if they shout?"
"Yes, be nice and gentle. After a while, or a long while, they will realise that you are a gentle boy."
This little boy beamed with his toothless grin as he would when someone complemented him.
The issue of shouting at others aside, we came back to monsters.
"There are really no monsters? But monsters come out at night when you don't sleep. So children must sleep at night."
"No... But you still must sleep. Do you know why you must sleep?"
"Why?"
"Have you ever gotten a bad headache before? No right? That's because you sleep. If you don't sleep, you'll wake up with a headache. And you will look like a panda. Panda has dark eye rings like me. And you won't look good anymore."
"I don't like pandas. I will become cranky also."
"Yah, when you don't sleep, you'll become a canky monster with a headache. So must sleep at night ok?"
All ended with a game of tic-tac-toe. And he actually let me start first. He's not bad at tic-tac-toe at all.
He's still a little boy, and there's so much in this child.
Friday, November 05, 2004
Othering
Learnt about othering during my Lit module last sem. (Guess Lit was still the module that I enjoyed most most! Still wanna take Lit!) And I figured I other people. When people get othered, one forgets that the other is actually a rounded person with feelings, thoughts, depth and complexity. The other gets fitted into a category.
For me, I've quite a lot of categories. But strange enough, they fall into like... schools?
As the the AC/RJ kind or the Chinese speaking kind. AC people are identified by their CHeena. An extreme stereotype/othering would be... the AC ppl are the "yoyo" dudes and dudettes who shun chinese lessons and prefer not to utter chinese words because they can't sound chinese. And because they shun chinese, they start associating this negativeness with chinese speaking people. And chinese speaking people start to appear uncool/wierd.
At the other extreme, the chinese speaking people look upon the AC dudes and dudettes and remember their "yoyo" styles anti-Cheenasm... and henceforth classify them as ang moh speaking snobs who go around with fake accents and noses in the air.
Where would I be? As a hybrid (the cheena-fied AC), I think I other people both ways... I other the act cool posers and the cheenafied to the extreme people who other all sorts of AC (even hybrids like me). haha. Wierd eh?
But itz no good to other people. I shouldn't. Learning how to see people for who they really are. As in, not stereotyping them. Each person is no wierdo, we all have our own habits but we all have depth that the other knows not of. Pray that I'll learn to look deeper.
Learnt about othering during my Lit module last sem. (Guess Lit was still the module that I enjoyed most most! Still wanna take Lit!) And I figured I other people. When people get othered, one forgets that the other is actually a rounded person with feelings, thoughts, depth and complexity. The other gets fitted into a category.
For me, I've quite a lot of categories. But strange enough, they fall into like... schools?
As the the AC/RJ kind or the Chinese speaking kind. AC people are identified by their CHeena. An extreme stereotype/othering would be... the AC ppl are the "yoyo" dudes and dudettes who shun chinese lessons and prefer not to utter chinese words because they can't sound chinese. And because they shun chinese, they start associating this negativeness with chinese speaking people. And chinese speaking people start to appear uncool/wierd.
At the other extreme, the chinese speaking people look upon the AC dudes and dudettes and remember their "yoyo" styles anti-Cheenasm... and henceforth classify them as ang moh speaking snobs who go around with fake accents and noses in the air.
Where would I be? As a hybrid (the cheena-fied AC), I think I other people both ways... I other the act cool posers and the cheenafied to the extreme people who other all sorts of AC (even hybrids like me). haha. Wierd eh?
But itz no good to other people. I shouldn't. Learning how to see people for who they really are. As in, not stereotyping them. Each person is no wierdo, we all have our own habits but we all have depth that the other knows not of. Pray that I'll learn to look deeper.
Monday, November 01, 2004
Finding my way around
Come to think of it, I'd be graduating in one and a half years (unless my results improve by leaps and leaps and bounds and bounds, thereby qualifying me for at least a certificate with 2nd upper honours). And before I know it, I'd be hit by the wave and thrown out into the workforce.
But I have no idea what I wanna do yet! I rebelliously refuse to consider teaching. It's gonna be an emotional drain and strain facing students (even relatively guai but slack students like myself haha). Plus the panel of interviewers of MOE would have bones to pick coz... ever since I made them wait 1/2 hr for my arrival for the previous interview... and didnt even turn up in the end.
What I'd like to do... would be something related to design? Not necessarily artsy artsy design (that only comes with inspiration. Under pressure, stresses and the facts of life... I think my rice bowl and my interest in visual artsy stuff will be at risk). After listening to my lecture, drug design sounds pretty fun. But ah... I need to way polish up my organic chemistry and biochemistry and bioinformatics... and every other module I'd have to take. What other stuff can I do upon graduation?
Dream Job no.1: Inspiring nature book writer and illustrator
Dream Job no. 2: Shop owner of a shop like Prints
Dream Job no. 3: Free-lance Photoshoper
Dream job no. 4: To open a mini restaurant specializing in desserts (chocolate! ice cream! Brownies! Pancakes!) and plenty of creative potato foods. (Cooking and making food looks deliciously pretty seems pretty fun. Have I been watching too many cooking shows?)
Come to think of it, I'd be graduating in one and a half years (unless my results improve by leaps and leaps and bounds and bounds, thereby qualifying me for at least a certificate with 2nd upper honours). And before I know it, I'd be hit by the wave and thrown out into the workforce.
But I have no idea what I wanna do yet! I rebelliously refuse to consider teaching. It's gonna be an emotional drain and strain facing students (even relatively guai but slack students like myself haha). Plus the panel of interviewers of MOE would have bones to pick coz... ever since I made them wait 1/2 hr for my arrival for the previous interview... and didnt even turn up in the end.
What I'd like to do... would be something related to design? Not necessarily artsy artsy design (that only comes with inspiration. Under pressure, stresses and the facts of life... I think my rice bowl and my interest in visual artsy stuff will be at risk). After listening to my lecture, drug design sounds pretty fun. But ah... I need to way polish up my organic chemistry and biochemistry and bioinformatics... and every other module I'd have to take. What other stuff can I do upon graduation?
Dream Job no.1: Inspiring nature book writer and illustrator
Dream Job no. 2: Shop owner of a shop like Prints
Dream Job no. 3: Free-lance Photoshoper
Dream job no. 4: To open a mini restaurant specializing in desserts (chocolate! ice cream! Brownies! Pancakes!) and plenty of creative potato foods. (Cooking and making food looks deliciously pretty seems pretty fun. Have I been watching too many cooking shows?)
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