O levels, A levels and certificates do not determine the end of the world I know that I'm growing out of my teenage phase because I find it hard to relate to the JC1 batch who are either breaking out in Euphoria or hiding their dissapointment. I also surprised myself when I started talking to one of them... about O level results not being the end of the world. When I got my O levels results, I thought life ended there. Now I see it's not. I guess my 'downfall' during A levels and my rush for poly applications taught me some life-changing things. Thank God for showing me that academics are not all there is to life. As the adults say, studying is but a phase, and you will see that different jobs will be part of different phases. That, I have yet to see and learn. But I do see myself giving advice of a form that sounds wiser and out of the teenage world. I've grown but I seem to have lost the connection with teenagers too...

A hearty dinner Domestic helper was on leave today... so it was one of those rare days when I actually appear in the kitchen to do helpful work. Mum was deep-frying chicken wings with some new Malay recipe... vinegar, garlic, chilli paste, salt, pepper marinate with rice flour... and it was yum yum!! My part in the kitchen was simple... mash potatoes. What's so hard? Boil them and chop them into itsy-teeny bits and mash them up with a fork. I tell you, it's a job that calls for a sweat out. This brand of potato was super hard. Then dump in some salt and pepper dissolved in hot water... throw in some margarine and pour some milk... mash mash mash mash mash... -oops- I forgot to remove the potato skin before all that. Whatever. Mum noticed something not too right with my hard potatoes... so they went into the microwave. Right, my potatoes needed more cooking. :X When it was finally served, Dad thought something was missing in my mashed potato... so in went a little slab of butter... BUTTER! I tell u, butter does wonders as compared to margarine. Then Dad, obviously fascinated with his pepper dispenser, (those used by ang moh chefs on TV... where you give the a dispenser a twist twist and fresh pepper gets grounded and sprinkled on your gourmet food), decided to add a pinch of pepper to my potatoes. He tasted them, looked puzzled... and sprinkled more. I thought he looked rather pleased with himself. Mum said he was just playing with food. Hahaha... When everyone started eating... my sis said, "Hey, what's that crispy thing in the potato??? You added chestnut ah?" Dad said, "Yah, what's that crispy thing? Biscuits?" I nearly laughed my head off. Mum was attempting to suppress her laughter. I merely forgot to skin the potatoes before mashing them up... Little asides: My sister called mangoes lemons. Dad bought a new diswashing gadget that allows soap to be refilled to the sponge (hard to describe lah. Show you if you come to my place.) and my sister wanted to play with it. haha I bet it was a new stunt by Dad to make my sis wash the dishes. So I get away scott-free to eat mango for dessert. Hey, after all I made mash potatoes with biscuits and chestnuts for dinner you know :X

2-liner of the day:
Guy friend to JT: Don't you think guys look good in uniform?
JT: Yes, it hides their bad dress sense :X

My nightmares. I have 3 nightmares perhaps. No point being cryptic about it. It's as clear as it is. They even appear in my dreams. I fear that my family will never be saved and their disapproval of Christianity. I fear all sorts relationships and getting hurt. I fear the responsibilities and persecution in ministry. Ever since my home was shaken by some terrible earthquake, I guess I never really recovered. I have developed a natural psychological barrier to relationships and relating with people. You won't get hurt if you're alone. And yet, man are not meant to be alone. Sometimes, things start looking up but the wind starts stirring and weathering the little confidence I've built. Have I subconsciously learnt to hide myself?

Me P.P. I'm a people pleaser. So frustrated with myself at times. Why do I find it hard to say no and try to please people so much? I'm scared of offending em? I can't please everyone and I can't be like everyone. And I'm losing my people skills. I don't know how to make small talk with people anymore... I can't bring myself to want to know people anymore. I'm scared that I'm turning jaded and superficial. My heart and my mind's not engaged with people anymore. I live in blurry. Oh no. I'm morphing into a self-centred creature. I'm in one of my moods again. Is this juz PMS... or izzit more a defensive mechanism my mind comes up with to block out those long-ago stormy memories...

Teenage laments from a non-teenager My friends sent me a number of pics from US and UK... with all beautiful pictures and beautiful scenary... with 4 seasons and interesting people. Which set me thinking about all the plans my friends made about going on some graduation celebration trip overseas... I have never stepped out of Singapore without my parents before... well, except once when I was camping in the jungles of M'sia with school authorities. And basically, I haven't been anywhere in Malaysia except a small town called Mersing without much to see in a way... I went to Thailand once and being a rebellious secondary school kid, I didnt enjoy that 4-day trip a single bit. There's nothing exciting about visiting touristy places with renovation work half-going on... and shopping for things that only my parents were interested in. I was just tagging along. I only enjoyed staying in the hotels with those long falling glass windows... Waking up early and rushing about here and there with plenty of fusses aint fun at all. In fact, I had little memories of the trip except that I didnt find anything exciting or new. It could have been a nice and fun trip... but I didnt enjoy seriously. Too busy with teenage sulking. Now there. My friends go on talking about backpacking trip and going overseas and blah blah blah. Of coz, I made plans along with them, which would't happen. I'm feeling all those teenage angst again... and here I go. Up to now, my parents refuse to let me go overseas coz they said they don't want to worry for me. Secondly of course, finances can be an issue. At the same time, they can't help voicing out how independent how other people's children are and why we can't be like those who can survive studying alone in foreign countries or how adventurous other people's children can be when they go backpacking on their own and plan their own itenary. There we have it. Such an irony. I have been so well sheltered that I can't possibly learn to be independent in some ways. Is that the same way I nip myself in the bud when I think about all the dreams and things I want to do and conclude in the end that it won't work or it's not me? Oh such silly laments. I shouldn't push the blame for my ignorance on my lack of travelling experiences. I should just start reading more.

Reflect Hot weather with occasional puffs of wind sets me off to think. It's lazy and time seems to have come to an imaginary crawl... and I like this feeling of having time on my hands. To just sit at my table and find nothing to do. Well, not completely true. I have a CA tomorrow to study for. Files scattered on my table, Bible and QT materials in front of me... I have stuff to do. But I'd rather let the nothing-to-do mood seep into me and enjoy my pseudo-in-control feeling. Talk about control... I think I'm out of control. This selfish indulgent little nutcase who's always so messy and refusing to do things that I should be doing. Why am I out of control? Because I've tried to wrest control of everything into my own hands and have proven to be a miserable failure at being the ruler of myself. I now devote the next 30 minutes of time to quietness and the Word. May God grant me mercy, forgiveness and a changed and refreshed life.

To Hannah Heyo, I don't know why but I can't leave comments in ur blog beyond half-liners... so here's a blog entry dedicated to saying hello to u on vday! (Hope u'll b reading this soon haha) Yep, been reading your blog and can see that you're enjoying yourself amidst struggling with school work. Jiayou girl! *waves pom poms* Will b waiting for ya photos to come out! Oh yah, so now...mentoring's kinda integrated into the YAF thingie... and now the 84 guys (with the 2 Jo-s heading us to our 1st mtg) are sort of coming together to plan e first YAF free n easy meeting this coming sunday... 1 - 3pm. Think it's the 1st time i'm meeting e guys without you... miss u eh. sigh. ok ok... hv a great week n enjoy yourself! God bless! Ps: I'd hv snail mailed but erm, by the time i remb to go to e post office n get e mailing done, I don't know when it'll be. Suddenly, i realised i could juz email you -_-. ah well. Here's a blog for u.

Quote of the day: Motivation ain't measured by how much it inspires but by how much is done. -- JC classmate Drew

Euphoria I love my lab TA!!!! She's pretty, friendly, patient, humourous and very very very nice!!! She removed our nemesis of having a report and a test on the same day by banishing the report deadline to Fridayyyyy!!! I love her man! Three cheers for E-----!!!! The best TA ever! *hugz*

There I go again. I quoted that I was motivated to quit... and here God goes, sending affirmation I'm not to quit. A student messages me... and reminds me that I'm remembered! There we go. God has a sense of humour indeed. I love God. (Needs to be translated into lifestyle) and God loves me more more.

Quote of the day:

I like the airport because it's a place where you can cry, and people understand why.

Paradox of the day:

I'm motivated to quit.

Why I don't like to make phone calls (to people whom I need to call but not by choice and leisure)

It's an emotional strain. It leaves me tired and dazed. I'm so used to trying to sound excited that I can now sound excited without being excited. I am going numb. When real situations and real friends tell me real things that I shouldn't be numb about, sometimes, I'm numb enough to not know how to respond. I think I've forgotten how to interact with people sincerely from the bottom of my heart and enjoy meeting people. I need a people break and I don't want to be all alone. What an irony. Here I go again about wanting to be a recluse. Help... help.... feed me a dose of prayer and QT!

why am i suddely reminded of essays, lab reports and CAs that come straight after CNY. Anti-climax.

Happy New Year -Listening to Qi Li Xiang as I type type type- I'm definitely overeating. Too much love letters and pineapple tarts. All I need is some chocs to complete the sweet feast. Nevertheless, I'm enjoying myself! My latest indulgence: anime Fruit basket. So cute, so funny, and so new yearish! It's about the Souma family who's cursed with the spirits of the 12 animals of the zodiac (so cute! Everytime a member of the opposite gender hugs them, they turn from human form into animal form) and a cute blur blur innocent naive girl called Tohma who's their best friend. It's really cute to the max! The way the rat and the cat and the bull fights... and the way they quarrel and talk and run about... so cute! Go watch it! Does anyone have volume two of Fruit Basket? Something different this year: My relatives are no longer commenting on how tall I've grown or how I'm sprouting pimples. They used to say “快高长大" or "学业进步" or something along the lines. Now, they go," 几时带男朋友回来？" and "祝你快点找到男朋友!" o_O I'm the joke of the CNY. They used to say this to my youngest uncle... but now that he's married and with a baby girl, they've gota aim at someone else eh. -_- (PS: If you can't read the chinese words... too bad :p ) New year to do list: Pack my room (at least the exterior before people start coming over to my place :X )

I've been drowning in Jay Chou's Qi Li Xiang for the past few days... sheesh. Love this song... 七里香歌手:周杰伦 专辑:七里香 七里香作曲:周杰伦 作词:方文山 窗外的麻雀在电线杆上多嘴 你说这一句很有夏天的感觉 手中的铅笔在纸上来来回回 我用几行字形容你是我的谁 秋刀鱼的滋味猫跟你都想了解 初恋的香味就这样被我们寻回 那温暖的阳光像刚摘的鲜艳草莓 你说你舍不得吃掉这一种感觉 雨下整夜我的爱溢出就像雨水 院子落叶跟我的思念厚厚一叠 几句是非也无法将我的热情冷却 你出现在我诗的每一页 雨下整夜我的爱溢出就像雨水 我的爱溢出就像雨水 窗台蝴蝶像诗里纷飞的美丽章节 我接着写把永远爱你写进诗的结尾 你是我唯一想要的了解 那饱满的稻穗幸福了这个季节 而你的脸颊像田里熟透的蕃茄 你突然对我说七里香的名字很美 我此刻却只想亲吻你倔强的嘴

整夜我的爱溢出就像雨水
院子落叶跟我的思念厚厚一叠
几句是非也无法将我的热情冷却
你出现在我诗的每一页

Cheap Thrill I was on the train, standing beside two guys who were discussing soccer animatedly. Well, I guess they were discussing about pretty girls too. From the way they converse, I guess most of the passengers would have heard their story. Apparently, a girl likes one of the guys but she is buck-toothed and so, he doesn't like her. More about girls was said. My kpo-ness got the better of me... so I peered a little to my left to see what kinda guy attracts so much attention from girls. Uhuh. I see. The kinda guy who's MUCH shorter than me! Muahahaah. oh sheesh. I'm a meanie.

A sleepy princess is an angry princess

Now, if you know me, I seldom blow up like a volcano. But this time I'm so angry I curse as I drift in and out of sleep, tossing and turning the the 2 hours that I was trying to half comfort myself myself and hypnotize myself to sleep. I'm furious at my new bed which feels like a new wooden plank beneath me. It's so hard, I don't even make a dent when I'm a sitting on the new mattress. When I'm lying down, it feels like a wooden plank. I'm so aware of the natural hollows behind my neck, at my back near the waist and behind the knees. It's not warm, it's not cozy, It's HARD.

So, in all piss-isness, I moved to extra the pull-out bed... which has been unslept in for very long. I fell asleep quite quickly though. It's a normal nice bed. But I think dust mites were thriving there and I got rashes all over. Frustrating! I threw myself back onto my new bed and the hardness struck me without mercy and I was back to cursing and swearing. I decided, at 3.50am, to remain awake. No point trying to frustrate myself to sleep. And I refuse to sleep anymore.

I need music therapy.

My friend who's up at this ghastly hour says there must be a pea in my bed. And I must be a true princess to stay up all night just because of the pea.

I just concluded that a sleepy princess is an angry princess.

Hermitisation denial affirmed
Today, for the third time, I said I want to quit. Again, access denied. One of my ministry friends/student tagged in my ministry blog: "hello JT! just wanna say a big thank you to you for everything....bla bla ... .see you soon happy chinese new year!". Now God reminds me... I'm not exactly doing thankless jobs at all time... some ppl appreciate. *touched* But, if I stay, I know I will have my regular dose of thankless heartaches. Sheesh. May God grant me a bigger heart for people. And diminish that part in me where my selfishness resides. I think I need to spend 1 hour everyday repairing my heart using the Bible. -nods-

PS: I'm reminded of Gideon of the Bible. God affirmed him so many times with the fleece thingie. And this same God affirmed me 3X I'm not to quit. No no. Okie, I'm not quitting.

Hermit-isation denied. Twice I wanted to quit. Twice God said no. How? The first time, he sent me a whole big group of young people who desire to pray together and a few even offered to lead worship and songs! Wow. How can that be! The second time, I told myself I had enough of trying to get to people and He showed me how the lives of two young friends are influenced by our meetings, and how they thirst for the Word and desire to do as He commanded! Twice, I'm affirmed that I'm here to stay. And so, I stay.

Permission to hermit-ise myself At this moment, I think I need to withdraw into the depths of the mountains and start reciting my lecture notes as if it were poetry. There's been sorta an overdose of meeting new people recently. Can I be a recluse and hide behind the comfort of being with people I know? :X

My kind of job. I like being around people. Preferably nice hilarious people. I like to share stuff. As in give talks about stuff and help people understand stuff that I'm passionate about, or have experiences to share. I like art. What kinda job suits me? hmmm

The Right Guy Sometime in the midst of my thud thud thud migraine headache, in the depths of my mind came this thought: The right guy would be one who can take care of me (physical, emotional, spiritual, whatever-al included). A bonus would be... the trait called humourously hilarious. -nods- Ps: If you fit the bill, please queue up for your application form. Better do so asap coz my list will get longer. (And by the way, I'm JUST KIDDING.)

I'm acting like a life science student!

I'm so happy :D :D :D

I'm starting to enjoy lab after all. First of all, despite scoring very low marks for my first lab report, the TA says our report is good! GOod! Just that we failed to answer some important questions. But otherwise, good good good! Yeay! When was the last time in Uni that anyone said my report was ever good? Practically never before. I love my TA. Did I mention she is a chio TA who can click with us a lot? And she's very clear and good at explaining and patient too. Hahaa. Love her!

And today, My partner and I didnt screw up our lab! Things only get better and better! Cool! I'm starting to like lab. hahahaa. I actually understand what the lab is about and I actually didnt screw things up! Cool Cool Cool!

Thirdly, we had a long lunch today, worth 60minutes (while PCR was going on). A lunch so long I had time to chit chat with my bench partners and socialise. How cool is that?!

Fourthly, we can even ask our lecturer somewhat intellectual questions. Cool Cool.

Lastly and the best of all, I have very nice bench mates. My lab partner is cool, the next 2 groups beside me are always so funny and so full of jokes and are really fun ppl to be with! They're hilarious. How can I forget all the mistakes we once made, the underground jokes we shared abt the Lecturers accent and the strategic questions we should ask so that we get the full answers to our report? How can I forget how we appointed the big guy to be professional tearer of photograph paper? and the two Mr. Hilarious jokers beside me who can't stop imitating the lecturer and remembering our 2104 old jokes about only learning how to google?

(Did I mention that I'm sitting btw an ASEAN scholar and a USP student? but they're really nice to work with. Way COol)

Lab only gets better. If they are my lab partners in future to come (ie. say during honours if I ever get in, or after honours during post-grad, I guess doing lab work would just be my cup of tea.)

Haha. People matter. I think no matter what job I do, the people around me makes the diff. haha. I like hanging around hilarious people. That's the way to go man!

(i think i'm high. hahahaha)
PS: I actually feel like studying and going through all my yr1 modules to build my foundation again. remind me of that please. :X I want to nerd. Any seconders?

Migraine my pain It has been with me since primary school. Once I hit my threshold stress level, or ate food that trigger migraine off, I will plunge into the migraine cycle. It starts off with the spoilt television vision, ie. I gt blind spots in whatever I see. No pain yet, but I know it's time to get into bed. An hour later, the tight, throbbing pounding pain that throbs with your heartbeat comes along right behind one of your eyes. My right eye this time. So thud thud thud it went. There's no stopping it. While you're trying to ignore the thud thud thud behind the eye, your legs start feeling so weak and jellyish. (yeah, and you're still in bed). That's the signal that you've got to empty your stomach. So I'd push myself to the toilet and clean out all the sour stuff in my stomach. There, all better now. After washing up a bit and drinking some warm glucose water to soothe things, I go back to bed and find relief for a split second. Once things are all settled down, the thud thud thud comes back. Jelly legs hit my knees and feet. Time to visit the toilet. Glucose. Rest. Once more... thud thud, jelly jelly, toilet, glucose, rest. This goes on and on, through the day or night. And it's nothing new. Once, I counted a record of 12 cycles. haha. This time, my blind spots struck at 1.30am and the thud thud came at 2.30, followed promptly by the rest of the cycle. Multiple cycles followed. And the all clear signal came at around 2pm. SLowly and slowly... things cleared. But I still have to walk around gingerly and tenderly. Any jerky moves will bring back thud thud thud. Aftermath. But it's alright. I'm used to it. Pain, God's megaphone of telling us something's wrong. Can't wait for the day when all pain will be gone.