Paintbrush

I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn’t show.
I’m so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you’ll do - that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I’m afraid I might lose you.
I’d like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you’ll be patient and close your eyes,
I’ll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.
Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn’t understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paintbrush with me
Until I love me, too.

--Bettie B. Youngs

A poem I koped from my friend's blog. Sheesh. I'm feeling emo now... that I've met my friends whom I realise I really really miss. Friends whom I'm so comfortable with. People I can be vulnerable to. People I trust. People who see me for me. People I feel safe with.

Paintbrush in hand,
Layers of paint,
walking alone.
Safe in an isolated world.

Aging up...

The more I look at myself, the more I think I look like my dad. It's kinda strange to look so much like your dad when u're a girl. Like, a younger female version of your dad.

And I can see age creeping upon me in all those photos. It's all in the eyes. Age comes in the form of weary eyes and the loss of bright-eyed energentic-ness in all the photos. The next stage as I see it... will be fine lines on my face. I must learn to age gracefully.

Growing grass

I'm growing grass in my field of intellect and analysis,
absorbed in multi-tasking in a healthcare environment.
Seeing people at work with new eyes,
somewhat not new and yet unfamiliar.
Somewhat managing and yet not up to personal expectations,
somewhat disjointed from the bigger portion of the world,
ignorant of current affairs and,
lost in focusing on the insecurity of not having done what can be done.
Aha. Changes.
Welcome to the working world!


(ok, completely irrelevant picture. But my dog looks intellectual eh?)

The vicious cycle

There's no regret if you thought it was better that you left.
There's no reminiscence if you didn't remember what it was like.
There's nothing to remember.
A blank piece of paper.
A new beginning.
Another story,
yet the same ending.

But all these, a delusion.

Yet another letter-- Slipper Swish III

The 1st letter as of 22 months ago: swish swash I
The 2nd letter as of 15months ago: swish swash II

A third letter from slipper swish-- old, weathered and weary.

The slipper. Washed towards another shore and singing another song.

The song? One that hints of another final letter. The coming of a swan song.

Dear so-and-so,

thank you very much for your kind patience and guidance. Without a doubt, I see a sincere heart filled with the most genuine concern for my growth and stretching. But just as waves crash helplessly against unmoving rocks, your kind words have merely washed over me. Little seeped in, and little changed my heart. The waves can push and crash harder, but each push and crash only reveals how unmoving and resistant rocks are. Rocks stand still. Rocks stand hard. Rocks stand cold. I propose to finish up my duties for the year as a close. Perhaps, we need to have a meeting soon.

Yours sincerely,
Slipper swish.

Back back back.

So many little lines have been running through my head.
Echoes from here, there, and elsewhere.

Drunkards get drunk on alcohol;
Nerds on knowledge; and
mugging undergraduates on coffee.

If you don't mind your looks, nobody will mind you.

I'm dispensable.

How much are memories worth? To keep or not to keep the box of cards that I received during my teenage years?

The few transitions in life at 12, 16, 18 and 21 will throw u off balance and change u.

My personality doesn't seem to go well with what is expected of one in the work force.

When you were young and much younger, being truly caring and sincere was more effortless. Then, the world hardens u in the name of streetwise-ness and the struggle begins.

My transition may turn into drudgery, if I'm not careful.

I need to get back to driving school.

Apologies to the faithful who've been browsing this humble blog which has succumbed to a bout of lazy silence and inactivity.

2 months of silence does not equate with 2 months of bustling elsewhere. It has been a 2 months of neither-here-nor-there. An in-between lull period choked with indecisiveness and lukewarm attempts to get something started. There's the scattered emotional shuttling between lethargic contentment and passive disatisfaction. The keywords are "lethargic" and "passive". I'm neither contented nor satisfied, and I'm doing nothing about it.

I feel like a ballon that's floating away. Filled with an emptiness some might call air, I drift higher and higher, go further and further and feel lighter and lighter. Soon, I become more and more detached. Obstinacy and pride steers me further away from the hand that's released my little string. Away and away from my only anchor to the ground. Tossed and ruffled by the winds with whispers of dreams and reaching the clouds, I float to a distant nowhere.

Paradoxes

Paradox 1: Life comes through death.
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. (John 12:24)

Lord, even martyrs who gave their lives for a cause, and in death, gave life to the purpose they championed, showed how the end of something marked the continuation of another. I've so wanted to remain a preserved seed, retreating into the safety of my comfort zone and paving the way for a time of no growth. I want to keep my eyes onJesus, who in His death, gave life and salvation to all who believe. I want to learn to give my life for His purpose.


Paradox 2: Keeping comes through giving.
The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. (John 12:25)

Lord, too many a times, I horde my life for selfish ambition and security, which turns my heart all sour, inward-looking and crumbling . You are a God who gives abundently. Others who give generously and sacrificially inspires. Father, I give you my life.


Paradox 3: Honour comes through serving.
Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, myservant also will be. My Father will honour the one who serves me. (John 12:26)

Lord, teach me to move forward with boldness and passion, to give no matter what responses I'll receive. Slander, accusation and misundersanding are not the end. I see Your promise of life and honour in serving and giving. May I act on Your Word and obey You always.

In Christ's name,
Amen.

WHy....

Why do Christians say grace?
Read here

How to be sure I'm a Christian?
How do I pray?
How do I break free from sin etc etc etc....
Read here

PS.: Hey mortal, I hope these webbies and their links will be a helpful read ya? :)

57

Number of the day: 57
Time: ~11.15pm
Venue: Citilink mall, bench.
Activity: Eating instant heat-up crab n cheese pizzas from 7-11 with sis.
Response: Stares from passer-bys. Approximately 57 in total who met us eye-ball to eye-ball (hungry? hahaha) and looked away in awkwardness.
Comments: One way to get noticed is to eat 7-11 pizzas.
Tagline of the day: 7-11, it's a store and more!