Thinking aloud

I feel quite sad. Although others will come and haunt me about this. My grades are ok to many but I'm upset because Im not performing up to standards (The little voice: You're trying to do everything by your own efforts. You aren't scoring all by yourself. You have come thus far by God's grace.) I think I'm quite an all or nothing person. Is that good or bad? Sigh. This sem, my results are dropping. I feel numbed. I feel like I'm dooming myself to it. Why? Partially to seek a reason to drop ministry? It seems wierd and unreasonable to think that as long as you get average grades, u're doing okie and u can go ahead this way... to keep performing substandardly and putting your time somewhere else which matters (Yes, it matters in eternity.) But, that's not the way isn't it? Aren't lousy grades and compromised school life just as non-glorifying? (God looks at your heart, your life and ur minsitry. everything) My cracked and broken walk shows it all. And Im not doing anything in ministry but just hardening up, turning cold and grumpy and irresponsible and feeling sorry for leaving the ones I have to lead behind. The guilt of promising to light a fire in others,and yet failing to do so coz my own is fizzling out... it's haunting me. I don't like to make promises, espcially if I can't keep them. I want to quit ministry but it seems I'd feel lost after doing so. Does it mean my heart is still there? I can talk about it with passion (seemingly) but I can't live it out.

I want to take UROPs. Should I or should I not? Am I throwing myself into something I cannot handle and will only drag me to the depths of the spritual slums, burdened with busyness and frustration? UROPs will sacrifice ministry. It is frustrating. I want to do so much in school and have wad ppl would call "theenriching school life" (CCAs, learn kickboxing... go on expeditions, urops...) but I have to think about it... if it'd be affecting ministry and give it all up coz it probably will. Then again, by desiring all these, Im get frustrated along the way of serving. (Are they distractions in your walk?) But even now, as I desire to do all these, I'm already a malfunctional personnel. Malfunctional coz I don't work anymore. It's not that I can't, I do things without joy, full of grumpiness and frustrations and complains. This has gone on for a year... building up and building up. Use the term burnt-out and back-slided Christian if you like. (Stop thinking about everything in terms of sacrifice for ministry. Think about how everything, including ministry, distracts you from God)

God, tell me what to do...