And there is Hope. After 3 hours of prayerful journaling, I finally see that there's no other way out of my downward spiral, but to TRUST and OBEY. There's nothing I can give, but to trust and obey. There's nothing I can offer, but to be as responsible and faithful on my part, and just to trust and obey. Trust and obey For there's no other way To be happy in Jesus But to trust and obey

Took a little walk through my blog and saw how much I've fallen. Frustrated is a common word i use. Now, it is almost time to use bitter. Things have been taking a downward plunge since 5 months ago. It is bad enough. Please give me a break. I need time alone... again... at the botanic gardens? Where can I run to? There's no comfort, not even in death, nor some eutopia-like place... im trapped where there are no dreams and no future.

Pent up frustration compresses into bitter cynicism.
The world is viewed with selfishly-tainted vision.
Everyone and everything becomes the enemy.
Even the self falls short of self-imposed expectations.
The pessimistic black hole sucks in every single thing.
Doomed for destruction.
My world.

Of dates and Arabian dates
A conversation on the sweet dates from arabia and the dates and frills of life.

JT: u were saying u had a lot of dates in your room last time right?

Guy: hey yea you remember! that's a long time ago man

JT: I just tried one today! It's super nice eh

Guy: ahhh it is! nice and juicy and sweet... precioussss. they're even better than chocolate

JT: especially the chocolate coated ones

Guy: those must cost a bomb man... but they're worth every gram.

JT: yeah, let's go to Dubai and buy them one day! Let's convice our lecturer on a field trip there!

Guy: and we can study the taxanomical classification of dates!

JT: haha

Guy: and i can be a date scientist. And call myself Mr. Hitch.

JT: hahaha what a pun

Guy: yea. haha. I love dates!

JT: Both kinda dates?

Guy: hehe... of coz, they are in the same phylum I'm sure!

JT: hahha coz both put u on sugar high hahaha

Guy: haha true true

JT: are such dates findable in Singapore?

Guy: I guess it depends on the person...

JT: erm

Guy: oh wait, you're talking about the edible kind? I don't think so

JT: That's so sad...

Guy: I think I still have a carton of them... stored for about 1 yr+. should get them soon. haha

JT: So long? There's like expiry dates for them know...

Guy: oh! they have expiry dates? Maybe it's just for those choco coated ones and almond ones right..

JT:oh izzit?

Guy: yep, coz dessert ppl bring them around when they travel. The normal no-'frills' dates should not have expiring dates I think.

JT: haha that sounds haha

Guy: yea.. everyone has an expiry date eh? the fancier, the sooner.. hahah

JT: haha

Guy: but if u plan on living til a ripe old age, should get a no-frills date wif longer life-span... but of koz, i plan to live fast and die young.. so i can get the fanciest types.. hahahh

JT: hahaa

Guy: can't remember when was the last time I have a decent date. and I'm getting hungry...

JT: okie okie.. better fix ur date n get ur dates hahahaha

There, of dates and dates.

I'm no angel and I want to be alone
Cracked and cold and numbed
Time never my own do not wait
And that which I can never claim
is demanded the way I cannot give
Expectations and changes they irk me
Awakens the lonliness
that seems to be company
And nurtures the selfishness
that is ever generous with me.

我不是
你们想象中的天使
我对一切
冷淡、麻醉、破碎
我只要求
孤独
时间不归我、
不等我
不属于我的时间
我不能付出
期望和变化
让我厌倦
想要
唤醒孤独来陪我
招使自私来宠我

Thinking aloud

I feel quite sad. Although others will come and haunt me about this. My grades are ok to many but I'm upset because Im not performing up to standards (The little voice: You're trying to do everything by your own efforts. You aren't scoring all by yourself. You have come thus far by God's grace.) I think I'm quite an all or nothing person. Is that good or bad? Sigh. This sem, my results are dropping. I feel numbed. I feel like I'm dooming myself to it. Why? Partially to seek a reason to drop ministry? It seems wierd and unreasonable to think that as long as you get average grades, u're doing okie and u can go ahead this way... to keep performing substandardly and putting your time somewhere else which matters (Yes, it matters in eternity.) But, that's not the way isn't it? Aren't lousy grades and compromised school life just as non-glorifying? (God looks at your heart, your life and ur minsitry. everything) My cracked and broken walk shows it all. And Im not doing anything in ministry but just hardening up, turning cold and grumpy and irresponsible and feeling sorry for leaving the ones I have to lead behind. The guilt of promising to light a fire in others,and yet failing to do so coz my own is fizzling out... it's haunting me. I don't like to make promises, espcially if I can't keep them. I want to quit ministry but it seems I'd feel lost after doing so. Does it mean my heart is still there? I can talk about it with passion (seemingly) but I can't live it out.

I want to take UROPs. Should I or should I not? Am I throwing myself into something I cannot handle and will only drag me to the depths of the spritual slums, burdened with busyness and frustration? UROPs will sacrifice ministry. It is frustrating. I want to do so much in school and have wad ppl would call "theenriching school life" (CCAs, learn kickboxing... go on expeditions, urops...) but I have to think about it... if it'd be affecting ministry and give it all up coz it probably will. Then again, by desiring all these, Im get frustrated along the way of serving. (Are they distractions in your walk?) But even now, as I desire to do all these, I'm already a malfunctional personnel. Malfunctional coz I don't work anymore. It's not that I can't, I do things without joy, full of grumpiness and frustrations and complains. This has gone on for a year... building up and building up. Use the term burnt-out and back-slided Christian if you like. (Stop thinking about everything in terms of sacrifice for ministry. Think about how everything, including ministry, distracts you from God)

God, tell me what to do...

JT on BGR

I saw two senior-citizen/ retiree aged couples nagging at each other at the bus stop. The way they made a fuss over silly things was quite amusing. I wonder if they ever did expect themselves to be fussing up like this in the days of their youth, where love was still hanging around in the air everytime they met.

Relationships. BGR. I'm about to say "What-a-bother". haha. Given the ultimate stubborn personality that I have and the emotional irrationality that erupts once in a while too often as mood swings (if you ever get to be hit my one of my mood waves, you'd sorta know what I mean.), I can't imagine making commitments and keeping to them. haha. It sounds all too much like being tied down.

I think it's gota do with me wanting to do things my way. A sort of individuality and independence or self-sufficiency that I'd like to cling on to. Pride in self? Maybe. Perhaps, on a deeper level, it a sort of self-protection against being vulnerable to and being hurt by other people. Marriage = more of that vulnerability. Having family = getting teenage monsters in due time who'll chew off a piece of your heart each day. (I admit, the statements with all the '=' signs are are overly negative)

No, I have never been hurt in a BGR kinda relationship coz I was never there to begin with. But I have seen how BGR can be so potent and deadly to those in it, those around it and those connected to it. I somehow have been blinded by certain somethings to see little good coming out of it.

Oh what pessimism.

'Frustrated' is becoming one of the very common words I use to describe my emotion of the day. I expected to finish my philo essay today and start on my studying for test tomorrow. But, no. At 11.33pm today, I just settled home, ate some instant noodles to diffuse the violent and destructive tendencies that comes with frustration, and pettily realised how some people have been working up my displeasure. Circumstances that are out of my control seemed to have doomed my essay and my test to failure. C grades are unavoidable and I may just be nurturing a D. What is this?! Must some things always seem so mutually exclusive? Isn't it possible to do both things at once. I'm tired and frustrated. Do I have that many things to do?

I see my friends and I on Juice magazine! (Is this the first time I appeared on a mag? Other than school year book... haha) *cheap thrill* :p

Behold my Electric Toothbrush from T.F.D!!!

I've been secretly fearing dentists all my life (thinks about those fierce primary school nurses and horrible dentists who are too pragmatic) and the first question which The Friendly Dentist (T.F.D.) asked was this, "Are you scared of dentists?"

Now, that's new. Of course, I denied fearing dentists. And he was really nice. He explained what he had to do and told me what he was thinking. The only puzzling thing about all dentists is that you won't get to see the face behind the mask. The only thing you can probably remember them by would be their smiling eyes or hair.

So first, he examined my teeth... and was surprised at how much stones or tartar or plaque there was. And he knew that I last visited the dentists like 4 or 5 years back.

"Well, your last visit should have been half a year ago, you know. If you take care of your teeth, maybe, you can get away with a once-a-year visit..."

I replied with "mmm"s and "ahhhh"s as he looked about my mouth and teeth.

"Your jaw in quite small... and some of your teeth are getting a bit crooked at the back.. and you still have your baby teeth ah... and 3 or 4 wisdom teeth too..."

He scaled my teeth and dug out all the tartar and stones. He was quite gentle and quite reassuring. Here's the best part, " I like your teeth because there're no holes or decay." He sure has EQ and good interpersonal skills. Most dentists I know aren't friendly, reassuring, or generous with nice comments. I don't know why I feel so amused that this should be a pleasant experience that I felt like laughing.

Then, he did some polishing and took an X-ray of my whole mouth. It's simple really, I had to bite on a little thingie with the x-ray film inside, and a big x-ray device thingie was placed beside my cheek. In 2 seconds, it was done. And so the dentist showed me the x-ray. Hmmm... Permanent teeth had deep long roots while baby ones have barely any roots at all.

Now, for the conclusion. My 4 baby teeth, espeically the one on top, may drop off in the future. Oh NOOooo! I don't want to be bogay! One of my teeth has a shortening root, and may seriously fall off in the future. So, I can either pull the 4 baby teeth out and put braces, or leave them to drop and use dentures. Fake teeth!!! NOoOoooOo! I'd rather use braces. But there's no hurry at this point of time. I'll decide when I start working then. Sheesh. So there, I may have to see an orthodontist (ah, it's just a big word for dentists who specialise in correcting position of teeth etc, putting braces)... Well, he also recommended crowning to make my teeth look prettier... but I'm fine with my less than perfect teeth. I just don't want to be bogay!!!

Finally, I got a new tube of Elgydium toothpaste (goodbye colgate) and a new Oral B Braun electric toothbrush complete with timer and alkaline batteries. And of course, T.F.D. taught me how to brush my teeth properly with the electric toothbrush.

The final touch was for me to sink my teeth into a bite plate containing pink, pleasant strawberry cream that helps prevent tooth decay for the next six months. Till then, I'll be using my new toothbrush and awaiting my next appointment.

And I don't want to be bogay!!!!

The longest day in lab ever. I felt so tired. Probably failed another test. Grabbed a 15 min lunch. Plunged into an 8 hour long lab session. Ended up losing one reaction sample. Did lab from sun-up to sun-down, from rainy weather to sunny weather and back to rainy weather. Felt so fidgety, so restless, so flustered throughout the lab. Did plenty of wrong calculations. Maths was not on my mind. Fingers were trembling non-stop. Is that an effect of antibiotics? Had headache and tired squashy eyes that were ready to close any minute. The longest lab session ever. Ever single reaction took forever to complete. And with that many mistakes, I have no idea what my report will look like.

I blogged yesterday on how my philo blog is casting me into an ocean of endless run-on words and how I'm bobbing up and down on the rapids of persuasion... and how I feel as if I've been stung by an electric sting-ray that has scattered all my complexly erratic brain pulses into nothingness... and how I stuck I am in doing my philo blog post. But, the blog didn't appear. Nevertheless, I attempted to start a running commentary on Descartes' 1st meditation... after trying to hatch my commentory for about an hour, some stuff came up and of course, it somehow disappeared from the face of my blog. The night that followed was horrible too. Felt chills running up and down my spine and I was shivering under my blankie. Couldn't stop tossing and turning and my throat just kept getting tighter throughout the night. Woke up with a heavy head and extremely puffy eye-lids. Managed to jam the thermometer into my mouth to affirm that I'm in a feverish daze coz I'm really sick. Forced myself to go to the doctor and attempted to go to school to get some things done... but I felt so jellyish that I had to walk home from the doctor haphazardly. My psychomotor skills were decreasing proportionately with my increasing tempertaure. Slept through the afternoon into the evening before I felt a little better. The tastelessness that perturbs my tastebuds and the weakness that haunts my body really puts me in a silly daze. Of coz, through this daze, I still managed to blog and I'm trying to study for my test worth 30% of my grade tomorrow. And now my eye-lids are struggling against the force of gravity... oh help. PS: I think everyone who's sick will really hope that there's someone who can take care of them...

I take an average of 5 seconds to switch from one chord to another and they don't even sound decent. One thing's for sure, my finger tips are getting more thick-skinned. haha. I should be blogging on my philosophy website, not here. Coz I'll have to face the consequences of not looking at that academically-unstimulating blog (much less posting great intellectual responses) very soon. Argh.

I'm losing all my disciplines. The older you get, the more freedom you get and the more responsible you have to be. I'm abusing my freedom. I have work to do and yet I step through my home door at 1 or 2am after each 21st birthday party that I attend. I simply can't pull myself away from the company of my friends and fun and money-spending. I don't bother about going home early or planning for schoowork. I've thrown aside the things I've to do for ministry. I do not bother packing my room. I hang around online unnecessarily. I've learnt to rationalize and justify why I should be selfish with my time or how I should say no when my own plans are spoilt. I call spending time with ministry work a waste of my time while I call staying out really late and eating, drinking, spending money unwisely a joy. I run away from doing worthwhile ministry work while I plunge into a time of all play and no work. My values are being perverted. Black is white and white is black. I reject what is eternally worthwhile and embrace fleeting disatisfactory enjoyment. I live for the here and now. I'm becoming part of this world. But this world is not my home. Romans 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God, this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- his good, pleasing and perfect will.