Hope.
"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws."
-- Ezekiel 36:25-27
I'm new.
Here's five cents worth of simple plainwords. The little things that didnt make it to speech, the little fleeting moments of sensitiveness to my subconscious self, the little struggles in between the lines and all the bits and pieces I want to remember.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Warning: A long long entry full of mumblings
What happens when JT packs her room?
--- On cards, letters and such ---
Upon fishing up all old letters and cards, and burying myself in a heap of dust and mountains of old memories, my spring-cleaning led to nowhere. I can’t bear to discard all the simple sentimental stuff, and I can’t pinpoint where I should keep them. Anyway, most of them remain out of sight, and out of mind most of the time.
I found out that I’ve had a pen-pal in my lower sec days. She lives in HK, wanted to study law, and loves Wang Li Hom. Dishing out those old letters sprinkled with cutie stickers and cartoons stirred some sentimental yearning to write to this friend again. And those tons of X’mas cards… I didn’t event send a single card out last year. I received a few tho’ and I really feel like picking up my pen and just do some writing. Emo emo emo. After all, my cutie letter pads are all still around, complete with my cartoonie cutie stickers. Maybe, I’d relive the days of snail mail again. Maybe…
Snail mail requires effort tho. It’s not just the writing, it’s the getting the stamps and getting down to posting it. Of coz, there’s the fishing, dishing and searching high and low for addresses. And after sending, u’ve gota wait. And you’d wonder if you’ve gotten the address right. And today, your friend would probably smile at the letter, send u a thank-you sms or email. End of snail mail. Sheesh. Gone were the days of anticipating a reply snail mail.
--- On school uniforms and clothes ---
Mails aside, what exactly do you all do with old school uniforms and CCA uniforms? Like those badges and stuff. Dump them? I’d feel like it. But u’ve been wearing those for years you know. Worse still are those organization T-shirts… you can’t wear them coz you’d represent the organization upon putting them on (especially when u’re aren’t part of them anymore). And you can’t give them away. And it’s mean to mop the floor with them… My mama says, “Sell to karang guni la”.
--- On photos ---
Oh yea… and those photos! I can’t even remb some faces… oh sheesh. Mean right. I’m a meanie. And those were the days of my flawless skin… and big, bright eyes. Now I look old, weary and wizened. Plus dotty pimples. Eeks. My sisters call it the “effect of 2x”. Teenagers have it – energy and youth. The 2x aka twenty plus people don’t. I don’t want to imagine 3x and 4x. Will my pimples stop at 3x? mmmmm. (Do I sense some sorta vain bimbo-ness creeping up on me…)
--- On the little secrets of the past ---
And I found my diary. Those dear diary books. Eeeeks. I now come face to face with my past. It takes courage to flip through and read it and laugh at myself. Little secrets that I buried and kept all to myself in primary school and secondary school. I feel like throwing it away. Or maybe I should keep it. Re-reading it should help me understand the frustrations of growing up when I’m too old to empathize with it. Maybe I should designate a few days in a year—some sorta getaway for myself to read all these journals I keep… prayer journals and all my little diaries… to come to terms with all the little dark corners in my heart… to put closure to the little bits I’ve forgotten and to grow up and face the future with courage in the name of the Lord.
--- On the old academic world ---
Sec school textbooks; JC notes; Uni notes. What in the world do you do with all the hard work u’ve put there? Dump them? Im giving them away.
--- On finishing up... or not---
Arghhh I’m tired of packing. Half-done at least. I’m stuffing the rest somewhere for now. Break time.
What happens when JT packs her room?
--- On cards, letters and such ---
Upon fishing up all old letters and cards, and burying myself in a heap of dust and mountains of old memories, my spring-cleaning led to nowhere. I can’t bear to discard all the simple sentimental stuff, and I can’t pinpoint where I should keep them. Anyway, most of them remain out of sight, and out of mind most of the time.
I found out that I’ve had a pen-pal in my lower sec days. She lives in HK, wanted to study law, and loves Wang Li Hom. Dishing out those old letters sprinkled with cutie stickers and cartoons stirred some sentimental yearning to write to this friend again. And those tons of X’mas cards… I didn’t event send a single card out last year. I received a few tho’ and I really feel like picking up my pen and just do some writing. Emo emo emo. After all, my cutie letter pads are all still around, complete with my cartoonie cutie stickers. Maybe, I’d relive the days of snail mail again. Maybe…
Snail mail requires effort tho. It’s not just the writing, it’s the getting the stamps and getting down to posting it. Of coz, there’s the fishing, dishing and searching high and low for addresses. And after sending, u’ve gota wait. And you’d wonder if you’ve gotten the address right. And today, your friend would probably smile at the letter, send u a thank-you sms or email. End of snail mail. Sheesh. Gone were the days of anticipating a reply snail mail.
--- On school uniforms and clothes ---
Mails aside, what exactly do you all do with old school uniforms and CCA uniforms? Like those badges and stuff. Dump them? I’d feel like it. But u’ve been wearing those for years you know. Worse still are those organization T-shirts… you can’t wear them coz you’d represent the organization upon putting them on (especially when u’re aren’t part of them anymore). And you can’t give them away. And it’s mean to mop the floor with them… My mama says, “Sell to karang guni la”.
--- On photos ---
Oh yea… and those photos! I can’t even remb some faces… oh sheesh. Mean right. I’m a meanie. And those were the days of my flawless skin… and big, bright eyes. Now I look old, weary and wizened. Plus dotty pimples. Eeks. My sisters call it the “effect of 2x”. Teenagers have it – energy and youth. The 2x aka twenty plus people don’t. I don’t want to imagine 3x and 4x. Will my pimples stop at 3x? mmmmm. (Do I sense some sorta vain bimbo-ness creeping up on me…)
--- On the little secrets of the past ---
And I found my diary. Those dear diary books. Eeeeks. I now come face to face with my past. It takes courage to flip through and read it and laugh at myself. Little secrets that I buried and kept all to myself in primary school and secondary school. I feel like throwing it away. Or maybe I should keep it. Re-reading it should help me understand the frustrations of growing up when I’m too old to empathize with it. Maybe I should designate a few days in a year—some sorta getaway for myself to read all these journals I keep… prayer journals and all my little diaries… to come to terms with all the little dark corners in my heart… to put closure to the little bits I’ve forgotten and to grow up and face the future with courage in the name of the Lord.
--- On the old academic world ---
Sec school textbooks; JC notes; Uni notes. What in the world do you do with all the hard work u’ve put there? Dump them? Im giving them away.
--- On finishing up... or not---
Arghhh I’m tired of packing. Half-done at least. I’m stuffing the rest somewhere for now. Break time.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Regressing sleepaholic
I'm always sleepy, always hungry. I don't read the newspapers. I have problems understanding storybooks. I lack the attention to savour the details, and am deprived of patience to finish them. I sleep more than 12hours if I can. I forgot 3/4 of my vocabulary, lost 9/10 of my analytical skills, am too shelled up to do anything more, and am afraid of the consequences of my doing less and less.
I'm in another kinda world. Kinda routine, kinda unreal. What's real or not real. Acknowledged vs not acknowledged? Conscious vs subconscious vs unconscious? Acceptance and self-denial? Gee. What am I rattling about.
Blogs. Kinda like another world. An unspoken world with a kind of painful depth that only literary texts can have. And blogs reveal some kinda dark and gloomy side ppl have once in a while. Sunshiney on the surface, dark somewhere, hidden somewhere, unspoken of somewhat. In the new generation where phonecalls are rare, and where thumbs do all the sms-talking, ppl rarely have conversations do they.
How do I reboot my regressing brain. And stop my sleepaholic addictions. oh sheesh. I need my bed.
I'm in another kinda world. Kinda routine, kinda unreal. What's real or not real. Acknowledged vs not acknowledged? Conscious vs subconscious vs unconscious? Acceptance and self-denial? Gee. What am I rattling about.
Blogs. Kinda like another world. An unspoken world with a kind of painful depth that only literary texts can have. And blogs reveal some kinda dark and gloomy side ppl have once in a while. Sunshiney on the surface, dark somewhere, hidden somewhere, unspoken of somewhat. In the new generation where phonecalls are rare, and where thumbs do all the sms-talking, ppl rarely have conversations do they.
How do I reboot my regressing brain. And stop my sleepaholic addictions. oh sheesh. I need my bed.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Somebody saveeeee meeee....
Work's getting to me. Day in day out. I'm getting stringed and uptight. And my brain doesnt stop thinking about what I haven't done, or what I might have forgotten to do. Sometimes I wonder if people are picking on me. But maybe, they're not. I can be thankful for people who tell me things I havent done straight in my face rather than behind my back, but it doesnt seem to go down well with something. Some sorta mental indigestion. Like I haven't started well and haven't ended well. It gets to me. It gets to me coz people form an impression of who you are, glue you to that stereotype and seemingly start to take special notice of nitty gritties to prove the point that their impression is correct. Maybe they're not. Maybe i'm over-sensitive. I don't like undercurrents. I don't like the way I'm treating this. I'm tired, but my brain doesnt take 5minutes off. youtube and anime doesnt get much relaxation done. I'm not stopping to pray. But why's that. Why's my brain moving in restlessness. Why do I want to keep doing something... to keep busying myself for endless work. Why do I want to toil for tomorrow. I'm worrying aren't I.
I miss the blue skies and puffy clouds. I miss lying on the beach, under the trees, popping seedless grapes and looking up at the endless sky, like there's not a care in the world, and you see nothing, but the sky, the clouds, the leaves and the sun.
Tired. restless. burdened.
I miss the blue skies and puffy clouds. I miss lying on the beach, under the trees, popping seedless grapes and looking up at the endless sky, like there's not a care in the world, and you see nothing, but the sky, the clouds, the leaves and the sun.
Tired. restless. burdened.
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