The A levels results were released. Some rejoiced and some ended up in tears. Some didn’t know what to do because they had too many options while others cried over having almost nowhere to go. Having to face the future and all the decision-making was one crazy period for these A leavers, especially for those who realised that their University dreams were dashed. Suddenly, the normal flow with the upward stream got disrupted and they seem stranded.
Do we align ourselves and our identity too much with this linear upward hierarchical flow that most believe is synonymous with success? I think so. Since secondary school, I've been psycho-ed to think that getting to a good JC and straight to the University was the only way to go. Note, I said "ONLY way". I truly believed that straying off this 'flowy' tract would imprint the word "failure" on my forehead. So, when I finally got my A level results, I was devastated. I was mingling with possibilities of being the University reject. The word "failure" was slowly scratched into my heart and mind.
I struggled and went through the process of condemning myself, regretting my actions, pushing the blame, questioning God and drowning myself in tears. I was lost. I once had a map-- a map that showed me the route to JC, which then led to Uni and finally to treasure island which had good job prospects. However, when I saw my A level results, someone tore my map of success into shreds. It wasn't just my career prospect that was at risk, my character suffered the greater blow. I prided myself as the under-performing smart person but no, I was definitely under performing and I was not smart. It no longer mattered that I was from a branded school. Look at the word imprinted in my heart -- "Failure". It was a time of mourning.
After a period of I-don't-know-how-long, it struck me that I must take action. If I don't stop mourning, I might just end up with nowhere to go. I was certain that I still wanted to study and I’d go for alternatives, just as long as I could study. There's poly, private schools and perhaps, the University.
I was going down a different road. There's no more street-wise worldly advice from friends and the security-in-numbers mentality was no longer applicable. I was on my own. When I had no one else with me, I turned my eyes to God. He was the only One with me when the others departed down a different lane.
I went to various schools and did multiple applications alone. I was never the independent sort but I had to go alone. I held on to the Lord's promise that He was sovereign and all was perfect and good in His time. I found courage to face all these, knowing that God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I learnt to rejoice in knowing that the Lord teaches and disciplines through the process, and that He is perfecting my character through trials. It's my character that mattered to Him and not the mere sheet of certification that supposedly indicated my success or failure. I learnt that God is more concerned about me as a person-- my character and how I live.
Many weeks after the rush for poly and uni application, I got accepted by 2 polys but there was no news from the university. Yet, I knew the Lord was with me, and He gave me the courage to accept my place in one of the polys. I went for the orientation, paid the school fees, prayed, and prepared myself for this route which I never expected myself to take. My parents were supportive and I knew that as long as the Lord was with me, there was no need to be afraid.
Weeks later, I got a surprise. After the traumatic and strenuous episode which taught me submission in waiting for the Lord and changed my perception of the less-treaded upon route, I received another letter. The letter was from the university and I was accepted.
I was stunned and elated. I had no idea how my grades would enable me to enter the university. It could only be God.
The Lord broke my pride but He lifted me up in His grace. Through this episode, He showed me what was important in life. It was the process and my response that was important. The outcome that mattered was my change of heart. It was about trusting and obeying the Lord. God took care of both my spiritual and physical needs and desires. I now see that I cannot do without Him. Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord!!!
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