O levels, A levels and certificates do not determine the end of the world I know that I'm growing out of my teenage phase because I find it hard to relate to the JC1 batch who are either breaking out in Euphoria or hiding their dissapointment. I also surprised myself when I started talking to one of them... about O level results not being the end of the world. When I got my O levels results, I thought life ended there. Now I see it's not. I guess my 'downfall' during A levels and my rush for poly applications taught me some life-changing things. Thank God for showing me that academics are not all there is to life. As the adults say, studying is but a phase, and you will see that different jobs will be part of different phases. That, I have yet to see and learn. But I do see myself giving advice of a form that sounds wiser and out of the teenage world. I've grown but I seem to have lost the connection with teenagers too...

A hearty dinner Domestic helper was on leave today... so it was one of those rare days when I actually appear in the kitchen to do helpful work. Mum was deep-frying chicken wings with some new Malay recipe... vinegar, garlic, chilli paste, salt, pepper marinate with rice flour... and it was yum yum!! My part in the kitchen was simple... mash potatoes. What's so hard? Boil them and chop them into itsy-teeny bits and mash them up with a fork. I tell you, it's a job that calls for a sweat out. This brand of potato was super hard. Then dump in some salt and pepper dissolved in hot water... throw in some margarine and pour some milk... mash mash mash mash mash... -oops- I forgot to remove the potato skin before all that. Whatever. Mum noticed something not too right with my hard potatoes... so they went into the microwave. Right, my potatoes needed more cooking. :X When it was finally served, Dad thought something was missing in my mashed potato... so in went a little slab of butter... BUTTER! I tell u, butter does wonders as compared to margarine. Then Dad, obviously fascinated with his pepper dispenser, (those used by ang moh chefs on TV... where you give the a dispenser a twist twist and fresh pepper gets grounded and sprinkled on your gourmet food), decided to add a pinch of pepper to my potatoes. He tasted them, looked puzzled... and sprinkled more. I thought he looked rather pleased with himself. Mum said he was just playing with food. Hahaha... When everyone started eating... my sis said, "Hey, what's that crispy thing in the potato??? You added chestnut ah?" Dad said, "Yah, what's that crispy thing? Biscuits?" I nearly laughed my head off. Mum was attempting to suppress her laughter. I merely forgot to skin the potatoes before mashing them up... Little asides: My sister called mangoes lemons. Dad bought a new diswashing gadget that allows soap to be refilled to the sponge (hard to describe lah. Show you if you come to my place.) and my sister wanted to play with it. haha I bet it was a new stunt by Dad to make my sis wash the dishes. So I get away scott-free to eat mango for dessert. Hey, after all I made mash potatoes with biscuits and chestnuts for dinner you know :X

2-liner of the day:
Guy friend to JT: Don't you think guys look good in uniform?
JT: Yes, it hides their bad dress sense :X

My nightmares. I have 3 nightmares perhaps. No point being cryptic about it. It's as clear as it is. They even appear in my dreams. I fear that my family will never be saved and their disapproval of Christianity. I fear all sorts relationships and getting hurt. I fear the responsibilities and persecution in ministry. Ever since my home was shaken by some terrible earthquake, I guess I never really recovered. I have developed a natural psychological barrier to relationships and relating with people. You won't get hurt if you're alone. And yet, man are not meant to be alone. Sometimes, things start looking up but the wind starts stirring and weathering the little confidence I've built. Have I subconsciously learnt to hide myself?

Me P.P. I'm a people pleaser. So frustrated with myself at times. Why do I find it hard to say no and try to please people so much? I'm scared of offending em? I can't please everyone and I can't be like everyone. And I'm losing my people skills. I don't know how to make small talk with people anymore... I can't bring myself to want to know people anymore. I'm scared that I'm turning jaded and superficial. My heart and my mind's not engaged with people anymore. I live in blurry. Oh no. I'm morphing into a self-centred creature. I'm in one of my moods again. Is this juz PMS... or izzit more a defensive mechanism my mind comes up with to block out those long-ago stormy memories...

Teenage laments from a non-teenager My friends sent me a number of pics from US and UK... with all beautiful pictures and beautiful scenary... with 4 seasons and interesting people. Which set me thinking about all the plans my friends made about going on some graduation celebration trip overseas... I have never stepped out of Singapore without my parents before... well, except once when I was camping in the jungles of M'sia with school authorities. And basically, I haven't been anywhere in Malaysia except a small town called Mersing without much to see in a way... I went to Thailand once and being a rebellious secondary school kid, I didnt enjoy that 4-day trip a single bit. There's nothing exciting about visiting touristy places with renovation work half-going on... and shopping for things that only my parents were interested in. I was just tagging along. I only enjoyed staying in the hotels with those long falling glass windows... Waking up early and rushing about here and there with plenty of fusses aint fun at all. In fact, I had little memories of the trip except that I didnt find anything exciting or new. It could have been a nice and fun trip... but I didnt enjoy seriously. Too busy with teenage sulking. Now there. My friends go on talking about backpacking trip and going overseas and blah blah blah. Of coz, I made plans along with them, which would't happen. I'm feeling all those teenage angst again... and here I go. Up to now, my parents refuse to let me go overseas coz they said they don't want to worry for me. Secondly of course, finances can be an issue. At the same time, they can't help voicing out how independent how other people's children are and why we can't be like those who can survive studying alone in foreign countries or how adventurous other people's children can be when they go backpacking on their own and plan their own itenary. There we have it. Such an irony. I have been so well sheltered that I can't possibly learn to be independent in some ways. Is that the same way I nip myself in the bud when I think about all the dreams and things I want to do and conclude in the end that it won't work or it's not me? Oh such silly laments. I shouldn't push the blame for my ignorance on my lack of travelling experiences. I should just start reading more.

Reflect Hot weather with occasional puffs of wind sets me off to think. It's lazy and time seems to have come to an imaginary crawl... and I like this feeling of having time on my hands. To just sit at my table and find nothing to do. Well, not completely true. I have a CA tomorrow to study for. Files scattered on my table, Bible and QT materials in front of me... I have stuff to do. But I'd rather let the nothing-to-do mood seep into me and enjoy my pseudo-in-control feeling. Talk about control... I think I'm out of control. This selfish indulgent little nutcase who's always so messy and refusing to do things that I should be doing. Why am I out of control? Because I've tried to wrest control of everything into my own hands and have proven to be a miserable failure at being the ruler of myself. I now devote the next 30 minutes of time to quietness and the Word. May God grant me mercy, forgiveness and a changed and refreshed life.

To Hannah Heyo, I don't know why but I can't leave comments in ur blog beyond half-liners... so here's a blog entry dedicated to saying hello to u on vday! (Hope u'll b reading this soon haha) Yep, been reading your blog and can see that you're enjoying yourself amidst struggling with school work. Jiayou girl! *waves pom poms* Will b waiting for ya photos to come out! Oh yah, so now...mentoring's kinda integrated into the YAF thingie... and now the 84 guys (with the 2 Jo-s heading us to our 1st mtg) are sort of coming together to plan e first YAF free n easy meeting this coming sunday... 1 - 3pm. Think it's the 1st time i'm meeting e guys without you... miss u eh. sigh. ok ok... hv a great week n enjoy yourself! God bless! Ps: I'd hv snail mailed but erm, by the time i remb to go to e post office n get e mailing done, I don't know when it'll be. Suddenly, i realised i could juz email you -_-. ah well. Here's a blog for u.

Quote of the day: Motivation ain't measured by how much it inspires but by how much is done. -- JC classmate Drew

Euphoria I love my lab TA!!!! She's pretty, friendly, patient, humourous and very very very nice!!! She removed our nemesis of having a report and a test on the same day by banishing the report deadline to Fridayyyyy!!! I love her man! Three cheers for E-----!!!! The best TA ever! *hugz*